Not the Happiest Place on Earth

I just had to run down to the Liberty Tree Mall to get some clothes for my upcoming trip to The Happiest Place on Earth. I stopped to get a bite to eat at Subway because I was starving, and it was the first place I saw. Behind the counter were two Registry worker types that obvious weren't following the Jared diet and really hated their jobs. The minute I started to order, I knew I didn't want to eat there. These two women were just miserable. Big ugly pouts on their faces. I ordered some pre-named sandwich that looked yummy in the picture, so I didn't think I would have to make a lot of decisions. "What kind of bread?" "What do you want on it?" "Do you want it toasted?" All with a big scowl. I guess I gave all the wrong answers because I ended up with the most disgusting sadwhich I've ever had in my life.

Rule number 1 of marketing a chain: You can spend a fortune to market yourself as a friendly, healthy, fast food alternative, but if the customer's experience is a boilded bag of chicken microwaved on soggy bread, and the customer service is akin to the RMV, than all your marketing dollars are wasted.

Here's a visual of my experience. Was going to use this as the top of post photo, but it was just a little TOO disgusting.

Are Bostonians ALL Complete Idiots?

First off, as a graphic designer, who has had to work with more than my share of marketing people over the years, I will state plainly that ALL MARKETING PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS. In fact, I've been working on a project for one all day today, which is why I didn't catch onto all of this Mooninite business till late this afternoon.

Clearly it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that strapping battery powered devices to bridges all over a city, might be cause for alarm by somebody!!

But how in hell did it take the entire apparatus of local, state and national government, and the mainstream media until 5:00 PM, after a full day of shutting down bridges, tying the city in complete knots, and blowing up electronic cartoon characters to figure out what was going on here. Seems like there were clues all over the place. I mean, there are pictures of this thing all over the internet, and the thing has been set up in 10 other cities for two weeks. Are Bostonians just particularly ignorant?

The most comical point in the whole day for me was Channel 7 blurring the finger (3 light bulbs) of the Mooninite so that no viewers would be offended. I'm just offended to live in such a completely nutjob society.

Stop Mixing Sports and Politics

While I'm not a huge fan of sports talk radio, there are times, like during a Patriots or Red Sox playoff run, or immediately after a meltdown, that I enjoy tuning into WEEI. But the last thing I want to hear, two days before the biggest football game of the year, is right wing politics. Seems, lately that's all I get. Three times this week, I tuned into Dennis and Callahan to see what they were saying about the Pats, and all three times, they were trashing Hillary or Obama, and barely talking sports at all. Even today after last night's debacle in Indianapolis, they are talking politics when I turn them on.

Now a case could be made that a low IQ makes for entertaining sports talk, but in my book, that certainly doesn't translate to political talk. If I want a dose of right wing politics, I'll tune in Jay Severin. I certainly don't need to hear it from the sports bozos.

Balloons and Assault Rifles

This has shocked me the past several years. At the annual holiday parade in Beverly there are dozens of vendors pushing carts filled with balloons and stuffed animals. You got everything from Dora the Explorer to Lightning McQueen to Santa Claus. But between the giant inflatable candy canes, and the stuffed Dumbos, are a display of toy assault rifles. Seriously. I'm not talking about little squirt guns or even cap guns. I'm talking three-foot long plastic rifles with scopes, clearly labeled "assault rifles". Unfortunately the photo I snapped doesn't show the wording but trust me, it was there.

What the hell is up with that. What could possibly be the justification for selling toy assault rifles to kids at a holiday parade? They have them every year, so somebody must be buying them. But before I ask "what parent would buy their kid a toy assault rifle at the local Santa Claus parade," I do have to hesitate & picture at least a couple of the parents I have seen picking up their kids at my sons kindergarten class and think. "Oh, yeah, I guess that kind of parent just might." Here you go junior. Go stand behind the mailbox & pretend you are picking off Santa.

7-day Weather Forecasts

Weather forecasts are a pretty dubious enterprise as it is. Seems that two days ago, Thanksgiving was going to be a warm sunny day, and now it's going to be a washout. But many of the stations now seem to be doing 7-day forecasts. 7 days out there is a snowball's chance in hell of them getting it right, but that's besides the point. Like all else in local news, this started with a marketing consultant. At Channel 7, the marketing tie-in is obvious. Who cares if there is a 1% chance of them getting it right? Why pass up the chance to be able to reinforce the brand by saying Seven on 7 every time you give the weather. Now by this logic, Channel 4 would be doing only 4-day forecasts, but there must also be a page in the consultant's handbook that says you can't forecast any fewer number days than your competition, even at the expense on not being able to reinforce your brand.

I'm sure somewhere, there is a Channel 10 attempting to do 10-day forecasts. And I wouldn't be too surprised if somewhere down the road, Fox 25 jumps on the bandwagon & attempts to do 25-day forecasts. Hmm, you don't think that with Channel 7 taking over the news operation at Channel 56, they would have the balls to go for a 56-day forecast do you?

Icy Martinis and Bad Fish

OK, enough politics for a while. Back to more important things.

Like why can't the new trendy martini restaurant in my town figure out how to make a martini that isn't full of ice chunks? Any why are they only half full?

It's not like we get out to trendy martini bars very often with two little kids. Maybe we aren't up on all the trends. Like we know it's correct to serve red wine in a much oversized glass, so it can breath (or some such nonsense), but when did this become true of martinis? And it's not like this was an oversized glass. It was just a much undersized martini.

And what's with the ice chunks? This restaurant, Mandrake in Beverly, is very cool, great atmosphere, and has been open about a year. We tried it out when it first opened and had the exact same experience with the drinks. Gave them a pass because it had only been open a week. But by now, I'd think they should know how to make a martini correctly. I mean, I wouldn't expect a perfect martini at a beer joint, or at the 99, but when you have a martini menu, you should be able to make a fucking martini without shards of ice in it.

And then there is the tuna problem. I am a bit of a tuna snob. Tuna can only be cooked one way: RARE. The best tuna dishes I've ever had were cooked by a chef named Brian Kilroy who worked at the late, great Love Noodle in Salem, and then hopped around to several other restaurants on the North Shore. It was perfect every time. Seared, sliced, and served over asian noodles and vegetables in a killer soy wasabi sauce. If you ordered it any other way than RARE, he would refuse to make it. He was the Tuna Nazi.

Mandrake's tuna appetizer was cooked correctly, but it seemed like it was prepared between a few hours and a few days before it was served. Yuck.

So while we will probably give Mandrake another chance at some point, it is on a 6-month probation for shitty drinks and stale tuna. One of our other favorite North Shore restaurants, Finz in Salem is also on a 1-year tuna probation for the bland, overthick, seared on only one side slab I got there this summer. Rare tuna is good, but a two inch thick piece of raw fish with no flavor is not.

Why are all my friends Republican?

Here is just a sampling of comments from my Republican friends after Tuesday's big thumpin'. For some reason I tend to have many more Republican friends than Democrats. They are all terribly misguided, but I can't seem to do anything about it. This doesn't even include the most anti-liberal, FOX News talking-point spewing, illegal alien fearing (although safely ensconced in alien-free Marblehead) Republican nut-job buddy, who I nearly came to blows with in a bar on the eve of the Iraq war when I correctly predicted just about everything that has happened over there. I have yet to hear from him, but have no doubt that there will be no change in his no-holds-barred anti-liberal tirades.

Anyways, here's a sampling of emails from the others.

• I suggest you start the process of getting your pistol permits to carry concealed weapons now. The Democrats are in power and as bad as Massachusetts is now, it will only get worse. May the dear lord take pity on Massachusetts; I almost puked last night listening to Ted Kennedy introduce the Devil. In fact, I couldn't listen; I turned off the TV, kissed my children and started battening down the hatches. This is Jericho.


• These guys are in over their head. Just wait a few years after we've paid higher taxes and on the surface a few social/ education programs look a little better (as might the economy) We'll also have a deficit of 4 billion instead of 2. By the time his or Murray's term is over (Patrick is out of here if a Democrat is elected into the Oval Office), it will be 1989 all over again, our economy will be in the tank and more people will be out of work. Not to mention the criminal pardons. Cranky, you will rue the day you decided to go back to the dark side.

At least one is only a wishy-washy Republican.

• You know I voted for Healey but to be honest, I held my nose while doing it.

In addition to this, my brother-in-law persueded (certainly with some help of the race card) his normally Democratic 85 year-old mother of all the scarry things that could happen if Patrick was elected & drove her to the polls so she could vote against the Dems.

Jeeze, I need to do something about my political circle of friends. I guess this is the perils of living in the suburbs. But if you judged me by my friends and relatives, you might think I lived in Mississippi, not Massachusetts.

I can't get rid of my Kerry cookie

On a day of almost uniform good news: Democrats taking control of the House, and possibly Senate. Rumsfeld resigning. The end of the Romney error. On a great day for a liberal-leaning news junkie, my web browser, and MSNBC is playing dirty dricks on me. Every time I go there I am greated with the above banner from two weeks ago. The day when our dufus Senator stuck his foot in his mouth and gave rise to the insecurity and fear of every Democrat that, just like the Red Sox, they were going to find a way to blow it in the bottom of the 9th. If I refresh, I get the current good news, but every time I go back to get any updates, I'm greeted by Senetor Dufus again, and for an instant think yesterday was only a dream.

Senator, You're No John Stewart

You're a fucking idiot!

Not happy having blown the presidential election, now you've gone and thrown Karl Rove a big sloppy wet kiss, just when there was finally a real chance of a Democratic victory.

First you insult all members of the armed forces with your boneheaded comments that they are there because they are uneducated. Now there is probably a lot of truth in the argument that there are many people in the service right now, and therefore in Iraq, precisely because they didn't have many other opportunities in life including the opportunity for higher education. But you don't come out and put it the way you did, a week before the fucking election!

And now, you are digging yourself deeper with this Clintonian denial that "I was trying to tell a joke about the President" Bullshit!! Sure Bush may be the dumbest president in our history, but it certainly isn't because of a lack of opportunity or education. He went to fucking Yale like you, asshole. You're now fabricating a whole bullshit joke explanation, keeping the story alive longer, and making people remember why they decided that it was better to keep the idiot in the White House than to have to listen to you for four years.

And did you really call Rush Limbaugh doughy in an official press release? That's pretty funny. Maybe you are John Stewart.

New Leader in Boston's Worst Newscast Race

There is certainly some heady competition in the contest for Boston's worst newscast. On any particular night all three 11:00 newscasts, as well as both 10:00 newscasts could just as easily take the prize. It's a vast wasteland. But the new kid on the block, Channel 38's 9:30 newscast has lately risen to number one with a bullet.

It's just horrible. First off, who the hell designed the news set. Color scheme is so 1999. Tiny little desk the anchors stand at is just weird. Looks like they just went to Home Depot & loaded up on stuff out of the clearance bin. I think those are metal wall studs sticking out of the anchors heads. Even the widescreen TV that the weather is presented on looks like the weekly loss-leader special at Best Buy.

The news script is just painful to listen to. Sara Underwood, while still somewhat of a babe, is so dumb she makes Maria Stephanos look like a Rhodes Scholar. It's especially awkward when she attempts to do serious world news (something that of course, isn't attempted too often.) The only possible positive is Jon Keller's political analysis. He's a certified geek, but head and shoulders above the likes of Andy Hiller on Channel 7. But then they force him to race through his commentary while a 38-second clock ticks away.

It's just dreadful.

Globe magazine becomes Gay Lifestyles Weekly

When did the Globe magazine turn into The Advocate?
(Not that there is anything wrong with that.)

Lately it seems almost every feature in the Globe magazine focuses on a gay couple. This week's issue is the home design issue, and the lead story focuses on Marty Layne and her partner, Patty Bird's new kitchen/living area. Last week, the story was about couples overloaded with mortgage debt, and sure enough the opening of the story featured Gregory Truman and his 56-year-old husband. A few weeks ago, I remember some story on schools, and one of the features was on a gay couple choosing a school for their kid. The "Coupling" column is just as often about a gay couple as a straight couple.

Now let me preface this by saying that I could care less about gay marriage at this point. When it first came up, it did seem overreaching to me. Why not settle for "domestic partnership" or something, rather than pushing for something you know is going to rile up all the right-wing lunatics, and play right into the Karl Rove playbook. But at this point, who the fuck cares! There is a lot more to worry about in this country, and I'm certainly against any right-wing efforts to amend the constitution to outlaw gay marriage.

But it is clearly obvious that the editors of the Globe magazine are going out of their way to infuse gay culture into the pages in a major way. And even though I am generally liberal, especially on social issues, I still find it strange, and a little manipulative to be reading a mainstream magazine, and find so many what seem forced instances of gay domestic bliss portrayed. It's almost like a mandate that the editors now have to include an example of a gay couple in every feature package.

Bank of America scam

Here's a nice little scam my bank plays on me to penalize me for paying off my full credit card balance. Normally my payment is due on the 15th or 16th of the month. It's usually timed pretty well that I can make a payment at the same time at the mid month pay period. On the rare occasions when I am able to pay off the full balance, just to make it more difficult for me to be able to do that again the following month, they move my payment due date up 5 days the next month. Then if you don't notice the change in due date, they whack you with a $40 late payment charge. That's their policy. Of course they don't call it a full payment penalty, but that's what it is.

Big banks suck.

Five All News Channels and No News

Been busy and havn't seen the news in a couple days. So I try to flip to one of the cable news channels. No fucking news! MSNBC has some documentary about a prison in Illinois, CNN has the miserable Larry King with the miserable Suzanne Somers, FOX has yet another anniversary show celebrating 10 years of unfair and unbalanced news. Headline News has the completely horrifying Nancy Grace. All I got is NECN, which is usually fine, but Tom Ellis is on, and he just creeps me out. Looking for straight news on the news channels is getting to be like waiting for a music video on MTV.

Christy, you're lying now

Now, I am an artist, but you don't have to be an artist to realize that the cartoonist who did the drawings for Christy Mihos' very funny Heads up Their Asses commercial, penned a pretty good likeness of Kerry Healey. From the hairstyle, to the stance, to the style of dress, it is spot on. Yet when he was questioned about the likeness in an NECN interview, Mihos, with a straight face, claimed that any likeness was purely coincidental, then uttered this exact quote: "The woman that did the animation wouldn't know the difference between Kerry Healey and Deval Patrick." Come on Christy! How dumb do you think we is. The funny thing is, even Kerry Healey is publicly buying his denial.

Now, I have nothing against Christy. A slightly off-kilter independent candidate makes an otherwise boring campaign fun. Just remember Ross Perot. And as far as negative campaign ads go, this is amongst the best ever. But give us a break. It's pretty obvious who this was targeting. Maybe the animator didn't know the difference between Kerry and Deval — until you stuck a photo in front of her, and said "draw the woman to look just like this!"

More "Freedom Fries" Silliness

Remember all the idiot restaurant owners a few years ago that were serving Freedom Fries instead of French Fries after France refused to go along with Bush's Iraq madness? Gee, that really showed old Jacques Chirac that we Americans mean business. Pretty obvious who was right about that one, huh?

So now some Boston City Councilor and a local talk radio nitwit want to tear down the Kenmore Square Citgo sign and put up a giant American flag to protest Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez's UN speech. In case you missed it, the Venezuelan nutjob said on the floor of the UN that Bush was the Devil and needed to see a psychiatrist (I personally think he hit the mark on this one). Apparently Citgo is owned by the Venezuelan government.

Whenever a foreign government dares to disagree with or criticize the American government, there are always plenty of bozos ready to step up, and play right into the stereotype of the ignorant American, aren't there. "Here's a big raspberry to you, Chavez. That'll learn ya."

Please Keep the Blowhard Senators out of the Broadcast Booth

Jerry, you looked like you were feeling my pain, but couldn't you do something about that? Why did we have to endure 10 minutes of Senator Chris Dodd's blobbering Seantorspeak while we were trying to watch the Red Sox/Yankees game. I guess it's for the Jimmy Fund thing, but he's not even talking about that. He's talking nonsense. There should be no politicians in the broadcast booth. Ever! Can't you just shut up let us watch the fucking game? Great, now Trump is on.

OK, I just donated $100. Just promise me no more Senators.

New Menu Option from Bertucci's

It's not listed on the menu anywhere, and I haven't seen it advertised yet, but looks like Bertucci's has a new menu item to introduce. Broccoli and olives. Mmm. I hadn't eaten there since my last Bertucci's sucks post, but I figured the 6 month probation period was over and I ordered a sandwich there today. Usual confused person at the counter, and instead of the usual pasta salad side, this is what I got. A container with four dry pieces of steamed broccoli and three black olives. Yum, what an appetizer for my chicken panini sandwich. Camera phone picture makes it all the more appetizing. Best lunch surprise I've had since I found a 2" piece of wood in my sushi salad from Not Your Average Joe's back before I had a blog to rant about it on.

Addendum: My god, I just read the new menu, and this is actually what they MEANT to serve. I wrote this whole thing sarcastically thinking this was a mistake, that it was something that was meant to go on somebody else's pizza or something. But the menu clearly states that the sandwiches now come with "broccoli salad". This is what they call broccoli salad? A couple droopy pieces of steamed broccoli and 3 dry olives? Yuk!

Now, I'm not a broccoli hater like Papa Bush, but I can't even imaging a vegetarian finding this dish appetizing.

So bad, So bad, So bad!

Audience sing alongs suck in general. Nothing wrong with singing along to your favorite band in concert, but when said performer stops midstream to let the audience fill in the blank, then you know said performer has jumped the shark.

So that brings me to my latest subject.

In spite of generally considering myself an "alternative" rock fan, I have confessed here before about some of my guiltiest pop pleasures. And there was no more guilty pleasure than Neil Diamond. Now I'm not professing to be a fan of "Turn on Your Heartlight, " or "You Don't Bring Me Flowers", but I will argue the the pop virtues of "Craklin' Rosie" or "Sweet Caroline" all day. Hey, it's not just me, his songs have been covered by everybody from UB40 to Urge Overkill. And he wrote my favorite Monkees tune, I'm a Believer, which was recently a hit for Smash Mouth.

But Sweet Caroline has been forever ruined for me by the Boston Red Sox. In fact, I'm not even sure it's the Red Sox fault. The original sinner may lie elsewhere. Whoever it was who decided to turn the song into a 7th inning fan singalong anthem should be shot. Play the song, fine. But who is the fuckin' clown who decided it would be cool to turn the volume down every 5 seconds so 35,000 boozed up fans could sing " bop bop bop" and "so good, so good, so good" It's fuckin' horrific.

And now it has spread. Was at our local fireworks show in Beverly last night, and the song come on just before the show. My only thought was, well at least I can hear the non-bastardized version.

But no, comes to the "Sweet Caroline" part, and sure enough the sound goes off. Of course the Beverly crowd wasn't that hip to the Fenway version, so it was mostly just dead air. Is there an actual altered version that has the dead air in it, or are DJs all over New England copping Fenway, and just turning down the volume? Whatever it is, it's fucking horrendous. Like the god damn Macarena or something. I can never stand to hear the fuckin song again now.

Reasons Why Johnny Damon Sucks, Part 3

"Johnny Damon Rings Opening Bell
at New York Stock Exchange"

Reasons Why Johnny Damon Sucks, Part 1
Reasons Why Johnny Damon Sucks, Part 2

Sidekick is swallowing my Globe

So today the Sports section from my Globe was missing. Searched everywhere and finally found it inside of Sidekick. Yesterday the same thing happened with the Calendar section.

So what is the deal with Sidekick? It's this silly little section the Globe launched with great fanfare a year or so ago. I never read it or quite get the point of it. On the web, it makes a bit or sense, but in print It's just an annoyance like the Sunday advertising flyers. I guess it's supposed to tell you everything that's happening in town today. But I would expect that to be in the Arts section where all the other arts and entertainment is. It seems to me like a place for them to stuff all the things they don't know what to do with. It has comics and TV listings in it, but I never bother with either. I seem to remember the comic people being pissed in the beginning because they shrunk the comics down to fit them in it. And here's a question: If the TV listings are in it, why aren't the movie listings in it?

My biggest gripe is that it's always printed so badly, that at least the color pages are illegible. I mean, I'm in the publishing business, so I know that newspapers always send the crappy copies as far away from the city as they can-mainly so advertisers don't see them. But how can a big city paper like the Globe regularly have copies that are printed so badly they barely deserve to be put under a birdcage? Hey, maybe I'll send my copy directly to the advertising department of Jordan's Furniture. Their ad in the center of the thing today is so out of register, that's it's illegible. I'm sure Barry and Elliot would like to know what their hard earned advertising dollars are buying them. Mine always looks like this. And not only that, but the section is so thin, and the paper is such shit, that there are always creases across it, so even if the type is in register, you still can't read it.

But printing issues aside, the thing is ridiculous anyways. If it had all the arts and entertainment in it, and was like a mini-Phoenix or something, that would be one thing. But to stick a few listings, some stupid sections like the chess quiz, the "Reflection of the Day" (today's is "One does not love a place the less for having suffered in it") in this pidly little 12 page section & try to make it out to be some big innovation is ridiculous.

Any then to start burying Sports and other legitimate sections inside this joke of a section it is sort of like AOL taking over Time Warner. Look how well that worked out.