I'd Cry Too...

If my son had screwed up his country and his world as thoroughly as W has. I really feel bad for 41. He's obviously been in agony over this. Has known all along where this was going. But the man is loyal to family, even above country. It's a friggin shame. All W had to do was take one ounce of fatherly advise from the man who may not have been the best President in modern times, but was certainly the most qualified. But no, W only took advise from a higher father. That has got to be the most telling of all quotes this dunce has uttered.

I think W has all of his mother's genes anyway, not his Dad's.

Balloons and Assault Rifles

This has shocked me the past several years. At the annual holiday parade in Beverly there are dozens of vendors pushing carts filled with balloons and stuffed animals. You got everything from Dora the Explorer to Lightning McQueen to Santa Claus. But between the giant inflatable candy canes, and the stuffed Dumbos, are a display of toy assault rifles. Seriously. I'm not talking about little squirt guns or even cap guns. I'm talking three-foot long plastic rifles with scopes, clearly labeled "assault rifles". Unfortunately the photo I snapped doesn't show the wording but trust me, it was there.

What the hell is up with that. What could possibly be the justification for selling toy assault rifles to kids at a holiday parade? They have them every year, so somebody must be buying them. But before I ask "what parent would buy their kid a toy assault rifle at the local Santa Claus parade," I do have to hesitate & picture at least a couple of the parents I have seen picking up their kids at my sons kindergarten class and think. "Oh, yeah, I guess that kind of parent just might." Here you go junior. Go stand behind the mailbox & pretend you are picking off Santa.

My 4-year old got a hooker doll for her birthday

Here's a picture of a doll that my 4-year old got for her birthday from the mother of a school friend. Now, is it me, or is this just a little bit over the top.

What's next, the whips and chains accessory pack?

Now the little darling often exhibits teenage behavior already, but I thought I had a few years left before I started to have to deal with this kind of stuff.

Public School Silliness Part 1

My kid started kindergarten this week, and so begins my education into ridiculous government regulations. Actually it started somewhat in preschool with my introduction to the concept of peanut-free schools.

Well my son's new elementary school isn't peanut-free, only peanut sensitive. But it is newly homemade bakes goods free, No more bake sales. We got the official regulation today. No goods baked at home will be allowed for any school events. All foods must be prepackaged or cooked in a "licensed kitchen," meaning a restaurant, grocery store, or bakery. So it''s OK to go to the bakery at Stop and Shop, or presumably even Dunkin Donuts, and buy cookies and bring them in. But you are not allowed to bake your own brownies for the school bake sale. What would Betty Crocker say?

Now I first assumed that this ridiculousness was a product of the Massachusetts Democratic Legislature (remember Fluff madness?). But no, it's a new Federal Regulation signed by George W called the Child Nutrition and WIC Reauthorization Act.

I'll bet if you follow that legislation back, that somewhere there is a trail of large donations to Senators from the Bakers' Union or whatever lobbying group represents bakery owners. Just gotta cut off that competition from Aunt Betty making her own brownies for the school bake sale. It's threatening bakery owners everywhere.

It's a Fluff Circus

Can't we all just stop talking about Fluff and get along?

• No kids shouldn't be served Fluffernutters every day for school lunch.


• No, our legislators shouldn't be spending time making laws to this effect.


• No, the Fluffernutter shouldn't be the state sandwich.


• Can't you all just get back to important issues like flag burning, and let talk radio get back to immigrant hysteria.

I sort of feel responsible for this, because Sunday at the beach (the day before Fluffmania started) I got all Cambridgey and scolded the wife for bringing Fluffernutters for the kids.

Yikes, my kid's a Yankee

It was bad enough when I accidentally bought my 5 year old son (that is NOT him in the picture) a Derek Jeter glove. Now I find out that his first T-Ball team is The Yankees. How can anybody in Greater Boston do that to a kid that is in training to be a lifelong Red Sox fan. If peanuts are banned in schools, shouldn't the name Yankees be banned from youth sports in Greater Boston as well? For psychological reasons.

I mean, I just had to explain to the kid why I had to take down his Johnny Damon poster. It's not like he was crushed or anything, but he has been to Fenway, he understands that we root for the Red Sox, and that we root against the Yankees.

He knows that electrical sockets, smoking, and The Yankees are all bad, so he is old enough to question why his team is called the Yankees, when the Yankees are bad. And he's not completely buying my explanation that only the New York Yankees are bad.

Apparently the coach is a Yankees fan, and actually requested that his team be the Yankees. The final game of the season is going to be The Yankees against The Red Sox, and I'm going to have to be out there yelling Go Yankees!. Now, I don't want to be one of those bad sports parents already, but this is just wrong.

How 'bout a war on drug ads

How can a country that locks people up behind bars for smoking a weed, allow drug companies to peddle every conceivable type of pill for every real or imagined condition to everyone from preschoolers to alcoholics. These ads are everywhere. A dozen or so in just about every magazine you pick up. During every TV show. It's the equivalent of peddling drugs on the streetcorner.

Instead of relying on doctors to advise their patients on what might be an appropriate medication, the drug companies now go right to the consumers. So the same people that are deciding that they are taking their family to McDonald's for the third night this week, and buying Coke by the gallon because the ad on TV told them to, are now deciding that their kid has ADD, and they need to get him some Concerta.

Sure they have to get a doctor's prescription, but I doubt that's very tough once they have decided themselves what it is they need. Kids are driving me nuts. They must have ADD. Let's call the doc and get a prescription. Popping a pill into your kids these days is just like giving them a Flintstones vitamin.

And what is with these names for drugs. They are all these made-up feel-good, focus group-tested bullshit names: Lipitor, Concerta, Levitra, Paxil, Zoloft...

These ads are crap, and should be banned. Doctors, not marketers, should be educating their patients. For you Republicans big on the free market, consider that a good deal of this stuff is no doubt marketed to people on government assistance who watch Dr. Phil, so it is ultimately being paid for by you.

Bad Hair Day

Friday is my day home with the kids (a 3-1/2 year old and a 5 year old). By now I've pretty much mastered most of the Mr. Mom stuff. I no longer have to call my wife every 10 minutes to ask what shoes they wear, what they eat for lunch, or where their coats are kept.

Its amazing how I can run a business, manage my finances, my computer system, and a dozen high-maintenance clients, and be so overwhelmed managing two little kids one day a week. I mean, I never did any REAL dumb dad things like forget one of them in the car, or leave them in the baby seat on the roof. But it was pretty rough for a while.

But the one thing I still just can't get a handle on is my daughter's hair. My wife has all kinds if barrettes and hairbands and little rubber band thingies that she uses on her, and can fix her up so she's the cutest kid on the block. On the days I have her, she looks like Tom Petty after a bad night. I spent 20 minutes today just trying to figure out how to get a barrette to stay in her hair. Nothing worked. Its just something a guy can't do. Almost got the hairband to work, until the little darling rips it out yelling "I don't WANT that one."

Well fine, darling. Then you're going out in public looking just like this.

Trailer trash neighbors

We live in a very economically mixed town outside of Boston. Bought a house here about eight years ago, and have put a ton of time and money into fixing it up. It's a nice neighborhood of older houses, in very mixed architectural styles. The houses across the street are big Tudor style houses. About 100 years old. They are worth about a million bucks each.

Out our back door (which is our main entrance, and where we spend most of the time) is a 1970s style raised ranch. It hasn't been painted in 20 years. There are big piles of discarded lumber in the front yard. A couple partially dismantled cars sit in the dirt driveway. There is one of those plastic garages for the "good" car. A couple big piles of dirt with weeds growing out of them are on either side of the yard. Four trash cans sit outside the FRONT door. Until recently when the kids were out of diapers, the Diaper Genie sat on the front step.

There are four generations that live in this house. A nice old lady, a next generation couple that must be either her son or daughter (this seems to be the skankiest generation). A young couple that must be their daughter and her husband. And two little kids, just about the age of ours.

They have a pool in the back yard, and about 50 people come over nearly every weekend in the summer—they must have the best house in their circle of friends. They have one of those extra large blue plastic tarps that they make a tent out of. It usually goes up in the back yard around Memorial Day, and stays there till the first snow in the winter brings it down.

They are always friendly to us, and we are cordial to them. Even invited us to a couple of their parties. We dropped in once, just to be neighborly. It was very frightening. There were about 100 people in the back yard under the blue tarp. It looked like a block party at a trailer park in Kentucky. We left very quickly. We felt like The Keatons dropping in on The Bundys.

Or remember the episode of The Simpsons where the neighbors were trying to sell their house, and the prospective buyers looked out the window just in time to see Homer, laying in a kiddie pool, looking for the hot dog he dropped in the water. "Oh there you are". Picture that scene.

So this brings up many questions and dilemmas.

• How do we teach our kids to not be judgmental, and that all people are created equal, when we go out of our way to avoid contact with this family.


• How do we tactfully ask if they could at least keep their trash cans outside their BACK door.


• When did we turn into yuppie snobs?


• What the hell is going to happen when the old lady kicks the bucket? Will even more of the extended family move in?


• If all the neighbors chipped in, how much would it take to get them to sell their house.


• What kind of tall bushy trees can we get, that will fill out very quickly, that we can plant in the back corner of our yard, so we can block the view of their house from our deck.


• How come I get nothing but porn, when I type "trailer trash" into Google Image Search. Oh great, now I'm gonna be in the top list of hits on Google for trailer trash porn.

Anybody want a Derek Jeter glove?

I just realized I accidentally bought my son a Derek Jeter baseball glove. Pulled it out of the Toys R Us clearance bin last Fall, and didn't even look at it that closely until yesterday. Was like $7, so I just grabbed it. He starts T-Ball in a couple weeks, and obviously as a lifelong Red Sox fan, I can't send the kid out on the field with a fucking Derek Jeter glove. What are they doing selling a Derek Jeter glove in Massachusetts anyway? You think they are selling Curt Shilling gloves in the Bronx?

While I'm at it, I also have a 2006 Red Sox calendar that I'll throw in. Has a Johnny Damon month, a Mark Bellhorn month, an Edgar Renteria month, and a Bill Mueller month.

At least I didn't buy the Patriots calendar with Adam Vinatieri on the cover.

Peanut-free Schools

Poor Mr. Peanut. He's been busted by the PC police.

We just found out that our kids' new pre-school is peanut-free. No PBJ sandwiches (our kids favorites). No crackers with peanut butter. I don't know if they are going to read the ingredients on granola bars and such to make sure there are no peanuts or peanut oil in them, but the school is a peanut-free zone.

I hadn't even heard of such a thing until a friend mentioned it a few months ago. I just laughed at the time. "You gotta be kidding me!" Well looks like the concept has gone mainstream. Seems like a pretty nutty concept to me. Something like 2% of kids are allergic to peanuts so you're gonna ban them from school? This is kind of stuff that makes liberals look like such nut-jobs.

What's next: cheese-free schools?

Hovering Moms

Took my 4 year old daughter to her little gymnastics class at the YMCA today. We're not training her to be the next Olga Korbot or anything. Its just a little something to do with her and her brother on Dad's day off.

There is one Mom whose son is in both her class, and my son's sports jam class, that just hovers over her poor kid for the whole class. She sits with her eyes transfixed to him. The second he steps out of line, she is out there to help him. Then she parks herself about 5 feet away, and about every 30 seconds, pops up to help him, or put him back in line, or tell him what to do. All the other kids are out there with the teacher on their own and doing fine. And he would be too, if his Mom would just let him be. And not to start picking on 3 year-olds, but she had this poor kid dressed like Todd and Lisa Lubner. Sweat pants pulled up almost to his chest.

I see a lot of this behavior actually. My sister, and a couple of my friends' wives behave the same way. They are in their kids' faces constantly. Sure its good they are attentive to their kids, but you have to give them some room to learn things for themselves. Once you have kids you start to see all kinds of examples of bad parenting. Not just the obvious things like Britney driving with her kid on her lap. Some of this parental behavior on the opposite extreme is nearly as bad.