Not the Happiest Place on Earth

I just had to run down to the Liberty Tree Mall to get some clothes for my upcoming trip to The Happiest Place on Earth. I stopped to get a bite to eat at Subway because I was starving, and it was the first place I saw. Behind the counter were two Registry worker types that obvious weren't following the Jared diet and really hated their jobs. The minute I started to order, I knew I didn't want to eat there. These two women were just miserable. Big ugly pouts on their faces. I ordered some pre-named sandwich that looked yummy in the picture, so I didn't think I would have to make a lot of decisions. "What kind of bread?" "What do you want on it?" "Do you want it toasted?" All with a big scowl. I guess I gave all the wrong answers because I ended up with the most disgusting sadwhich I've ever had in my life.

Rule number 1 of marketing a chain: You can spend a fortune to market yourself as a friendly, healthy, fast food alternative, but if the customer's experience is a boilded bag of chicken microwaved on soggy bread, and the customer service is akin to the RMV, than all your marketing dollars are wasted.

Here's a visual of my experience. Was going to use this as the top of post photo, but it was just a little TOO disgusting.

Icy Martinis and Bad Fish

OK, enough politics for a while. Back to more important things.

Like why can't the new trendy martini restaurant in my town figure out how to make a martini that isn't full of ice chunks? Any why are they only half full?

It's not like we get out to trendy martini bars very often with two little kids. Maybe we aren't up on all the trends. Like we know it's correct to serve red wine in a much oversized glass, so it can breath (or some such nonsense), but when did this become true of martinis? And it's not like this was an oversized glass. It was just a much undersized martini.

And what's with the ice chunks? This restaurant, Mandrake in Beverly, is very cool, great atmosphere, and has been open about a year. We tried it out when it first opened and had the exact same experience with the drinks. Gave them a pass because it had only been open a week. But by now, I'd think they should know how to make a martini correctly. I mean, I wouldn't expect a perfect martini at a beer joint, or at the 99, but when you have a martini menu, you should be able to make a fucking martini without shards of ice in it.

And then there is the tuna problem. I am a bit of a tuna snob. Tuna can only be cooked one way: RARE. The best tuna dishes I've ever had were cooked by a chef named Brian Kilroy who worked at the late, great Love Noodle in Salem, and then hopped around to several other restaurants on the North Shore. It was perfect every time. Seared, sliced, and served over asian noodles and vegetables in a killer soy wasabi sauce. If you ordered it any other way than RARE, he would refuse to make it. He was the Tuna Nazi.

Mandrake's tuna appetizer was cooked correctly, but it seemed like it was prepared between a few hours and a few days before it was served. Yuck.

So while we will probably give Mandrake another chance at some point, it is on a 6-month probation for shitty drinks and stale tuna. One of our other favorite North Shore restaurants, Finz in Salem is also on a 1-year tuna probation for the bland, overthick, seared on only one side slab I got there this summer. Rare tuna is good, but a two inch thick piece of raw fish with no flavor is not.

Public School Silliness Part 1

My kid started kindergarten this week, and so begins my education into ridiculous government regulations. Actually it started somewhat in preschool with my introduction to the concept of peanut-free schools.

Well my son's new elementary school isn't peanut-free, only peanut sensitive. But it is newly homemade bakes goods free, No more bake sales. We got the official regulation today. No goods baked at home will be allowed for any school events. All foods must be prepackaged or cooked in a "licensed kitchen," meaning a restaurant, grocery store, or bakery. So it''s OK to go to the bakery at Stop and Shop, or presumably even Dunkin Donuts, and buy cookies and bring them in. But you are not allowed to bake your own brownies for the school bake sale. What would Betty Crocker say?

Now I first assumed that this ridiculousness was a product of the Massachusetts Democratic Legislature (remember Fluff madness?). But no, it's a new Federal Regulation signed by George W called the Child Nutrition and WIC Reauthorization Act.

I'll bet if you follow that legislation back, that somewhere there is a trail of large donations to Senators from the Bakers' Union or whatever lobbying group represents bakery owners. Just gotta cut off that competition from Aunt Betty making her own brownies for the school bake sale. It's threatening bakery owners everywhere.

New Menu Option from Bertucci's

It's not listed on the menu anywhere, and I haven't seen it advertised yet, but looks like Bertucci's has a new menu item to introduce. Broccoli and olives. Mmm. I hadn't eaten there since my last Bertucci's sucks post, but I figured the 6 month probation period was over and I ordered a sandwich there today. Usual confused person at the counter, and instead of the usual pasta salad side, this is what I got. A container with four dry pieces of steamed broccoli and three black olives. Yum, what an appetizer for my chicken panini sandwich. Camera phone picture makes it all the more appetizing. Best lunch surprise I've had since I found a 2" piece of wood in my sushi salad from Not Your Average Joe's back before I had a blog to rant about it on.

Addendum: My god, I just read the new menu, and this is actually what they MEANT to serve. I wrote this whole thing sarcastically thinking this was a mistake, that it was something that was meant to go on somebody else's pizza or something. But the menu clearly states that the sandwiches now come with "broccoli salad". This is what they call broccoli salad? A couple droopy pieces of steamed broccoli and 3 dry olives? Yuk!

Now, I'm not a broccoli hater like Papa Bush, but I can't even imaging a vegetarian finding this dish appetizing.

Competitive Eating

Is there anything that says "stupid Americans" more than hot-dog eating contests? It's just moronic. They are even trying to make this into a sport by calling it Competitive Eating.

At long last, have we no sense of decency.

Is this what our true pupose is in bringing democracy to Iraq? So they too will be free to have hot-dog eating contests?

Far from "Fantastic"

This is some disgusting shit. We're not big into packaged foods, but somewhere along the line someone grabbed this from the health food aisle at the supermarket: Fantastic Foods Vegetarian Pad Thai. After a weekend of insanity, bailing out our flooded cellar etc., and home alone for dinner, it was just the kind of night to reach for some prepackaged meal, and shove it in the microwave. Or in this case drop the plastic container in a pot of boiling water for three minutes. Yuk. What shit. Little squares of something that was supposed to be tofu, I guess, but tasted like leather. About 12 noodles with no taste. Three bites and into the trash.

I would have been much better off, eating the three-week old real Pad Thai leftovers from our yummy local Thai place, that was buried in the back of the fridge. Or, I guess in the time it took me to cook, eat, throw away, and then blog about this crap, I could have gone down to the Thai place and ordered a fresh order or the real thing.

FAQ About Tip Jar Etiquette

Generally I'm not completely opposed to the concept of the tip jar. I freely choose to spend $1.79 for my grande coffee every morning rather than making a cup of Maxwell House before I leave the house. So throwing the extra 21 cents to the barista doesn't make me extra cranky. They usually give me good service.

But there are many questions and personal conflicts that the development of the tip jar has brought up.

• If I order my coffee from the barista, but a cashier rings me up, who gets my tip?


• What if the barista is a bitch today, but the cashier very courteous. How do I specify that only the cashier should get my 21 cents?


• Is Big Coffee Corporation actually getting my tip, because they are paying their workers less figuring the tip is now a part of their wages, like most restaurants do with their waitstaff?


• If the bill comes to $2.25, and I decide I want to get rid of one of the quarters in my pocket, rather than breaking a $20, do I now look like a cheap guy?


• How come there are so many bills in the tip jar? Is that where things are going next?


• Am I supposed to wait for the cashier to give me the change back so I can put it in the tip jar myself, or can I just say "it's all set?"


• If I do the latter, do I seem like I'm only giving a tip because I don't feel like waiting (which may be the case).


• If there are only 2 cents coming back, and the cashier is slow, then I really feel foolish waiting for her to give me back the 2 cents so that I can throw in the tip jar, don't I?


• Say the bill comes to $2.05. Do I give a 46% tip for a cup of coffee? Do I give nothing? Do I drop in some of the change but secretly hold a couple quarters in my hand to keep?


• If I know the bill is going to come to $2.05, do I pull out a $20, so it's easier to walk away with the change.


• I suppose using the tip jar as the "take a penny dish" is in bad form.


• We go to a local diner for breakfast quite often. It's a place where you leave the tip on the table, and pay the bill at the cash register. But there is a tip jar at the cash register. Am I expected to tip the cashier just for taking my money?

Too fast food

Dinner with the family at Bertucci's tonight. Kids like it cause they give them dough and crayons to play with, and they like the mac and cheese. It's a slightly better than average chain restaurant. Generally we avoid chain restaurants, but when you are bringing the kids, you are limited for options. It beats the 99, or TGI Fridays. It's about as high-end as you can go with a three and four year old. For mom and dad it's the illusion of a decent dining experience. Food is alright. Atmosphere is alright. You can get an alrightglass of wine. But there is always something that annoys me.

This is the second or maybe third time we've had this particular issue with Bertucci's. You go, sit down in the faux-elegant dining room, with faux-elegant lighting. Order some real italian-sounding dinner: trenette al bolognese (rather than spaghetti with meat sauce). You almost can pretend that you are at a real italian restaurant in the North end. They bring your alright glass of wine, your alright salad, and your dough balls. You just are getting settled in, and then within two minutes, your meals arrive. So much for the illusion of a real dining experience. You couldn't have gotten served at McDonalds that quickly.

And its not that the food tastes bad (although I always feel somewhat gross after eating there.) It's just a little unsettling to go out to a relatively decent meal that's going to cost you 60 bucks, and have the food thrown in front of you in two minutes. How can they get all the other details of the illusion right, and then screw up the pacing that badly. And, like I said, this is at least the second or third time, we've had this experience at Bertucci's.

Couple hours later:
You know, I have to strengthen my suckiness rating for Bertucci's. I feel like shit. And now that I think about it, I always feel like shit after eating at Bertuccis.