A running rant about bad television, crappy products, horrible service, mindless politics, corporate and government ineptitude, moronic media, marketing overload, public idiocy, stupid entertainment, etc. Here's what's annoying me today:


A lot of alliteration from anxious anchors

You too can write headlines for Channel 7 news. It's a very simple concept. You have two formulas you MUST follow. Please don't try to think outside the box or you will be fired. Remember this is about marketing, not news.
  • Formula one: Headline must have two words that start with the same letter.

  • Formula two: Headline must have two words that rhyme.

  • Bonus points for headlines that follow BOTH of the above formulas
Keep this in mind, and watch. Rarely does a headline not follow this formula. If you are not in Boston, or watch another channel, this works too, but to a lesser degree. Channel 7 is the master. I'm sure Channels 7's clone in Miami has this mastered this just as well. They must have a full time enforcer of the policy.

Here are some example, all from the last couple of days.
  • Soap Opera Shocker (about an explosion on the set of a soap opera)

  • Dolphin In Danger (some stranded dolphins)

  • Kinky Closing (closing arguments in the dominatrix case)

  • Movie Mixup (DVD rental customers getting a porno movie instead of Finding Nemo)

  • Dealing with Demons: (a man trying to free his body and mind of evil spirits)

  • Predator on your Property: (about coyotes moving into the cities)

  • Hit by Hate: (about the New Bedford gay bar shooting)

  • Murder Mystery: (about the Hopkington murder now, but pretty much all purpose)

  • Eye in the Sky: (about a fish sculpture in Boston Harbor)

  • The Real Deal: (their consumer report series)

  • The Style File: (their fashion report series)
Haven't heard a bonus example, but I'll keep you posted. I know I have in the past.

Often they will have two different headlines for the same story that both follow the formula. It's like they came up with two headlines so clever they couldn't decide, so they ran them both. My personal favorite is for an upcoming story they have been teasing all week about people looking for food thrown out by restaurants. It's either Grub from the Garbage or Dinner from the Dumpster, depending on when you are watching.

It's really pretty funny to start watching for this, and guessing what they will come up with. It works nearly every time. But the fact that they are actually that focused on this again shows that its all about marketing, and not about delivering the news.

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Blogger blogagog said...

I am beginning to doubt you are from Boston. Where ate the headlines like, "Many think the Museum of Fine Art is boring, others say it's a pisser", or "Newbury St. Restaurants... They are wicked awesome. Update at 11."

As I recall, 'pisser' and 'wicked awesome' were uttered at least bi-minutely. Come clean Cranky, You are in New Hampsha or something, right?

(thoughts from a loosianan, I reckon)

6:56 PM

Blogger Cranky said...

Well, I'm just about as close to New Hampshire as I am to Boston, and I've been known to use the word awesome, but never pisser.

And in that case, it should be "Dinna from a Dumpsta", right?

7:42 PM

Blogger blogagog said...

Dinna from a Dumpsta in Woosta :)

2:46 AM

Blogger STR said...

haha, this is hilarious....i love your 2 formulas and the "bonus" point

8:42 AM

Blogger Joshua said...

How about.... "Damon Ditches Do"

3:45 PM

Blogger blogagog said...

They had a small earthquake but it only lasted a second. Unfortunately, a duck was killed by a falling limb.

Quake quiets quickly. Quacker killed.

8:30 PM

Blogger blogagog said...

I saw this one in a news blurb. It didn't rhyme, but still caught my interest.

Earth loses gravitational pull...Details at 11.

(totally stolen humor)

10:25 PM


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