Things That Suck

Feeding Frenzy

2007-04-10T19:22:00.000-04:00

For over a week, it's been all Imus, all the time. This is such a frenzy, and there are so many double standards and such hypocrisy on all sides here, that it's impossible to even make a judgment or know where to start.

While I wouldn't call myself a fan of Imus himself, I am a regular listener of his show. Sure he's a craggy fossil, and often clueless about even his own opinion, but somehow, I find his show entertaining. Hey, I often like Andy Rooney too.

The nappy-headed hoes comment was stupid and offensive, but is it any moreso than the everyday putdowns that drive his, and most other radio talkshows? To me it was just his attempt to be cool. The term is regularly tossed out in hip-hop music, and he probably just threw it out, both to be funny, and to appear more with-it than his resemblance to the Old Man of the Mountain would suggest. As with many radio hosts that are double the age of their listeners, he often uses terms he doesn't fully understand in a pathetic attempt to be relevant.

But with all the offensive language that is regularly heard on the airwaves, whether it's in hip-hop music, talk radio, or on Comedy Central, who would ever guess that this one offhand remark could become a week long, 24-hour news story, and would potentially end his career? In a world where there are often no boundaries, how is one to know when one has been crossed? As William Hurt's character in Broadcast News says: "It's hard not to cross, they keep moving the little sucker, don't they."

The bottom line is that if Imus is fired over this, the real right-wing hate mongers like Rush Limbaugh better be fair game too, as well as the pushers of hate-filled music and comedy.

This is Not a Sales Call

2007-04-06T14:52:00.000-04:00

Quick tip: If you answer your phone, and the caller says "This is not a sales call", chances are 100% that it's a sales call. It's very similar to the rule regarding anything that comes out of George Bush's lips. For instance: "This was not a political decision" means "Of course this was a political decision"

Not the Happiest Place on Earth

2007-04-06T09:27:00.000-04:00

I just had to run down to the Liberty Tree Mall to get some clothes for my upcoming trip to The Happiest Place on Earth. I stopped to get a bite to eat at Subway because I was starving, and it was the first place I saw. Behind the counter were two Registry worker types that obvious weren't following the Jared diet and really hated their jobs. The minute I started to order, I knew I didn't want to eat there. These two women were just miserable. Big ugly pouts on their faces. I ordered some pre-named sandwich that looked yummy in the picture, so I didn't think I would have to make a lot of decisions. "What kind of bread?" "What do you want on it?" "Do you want it toasted?" All with a big scowl. I guess I gave all the wrong answers because I ended up with the most disgusting sadwhich I've ever had in my life.

Rule number 1 of marketing a chain: You can spend a fortune to market yourself as a friendly, healthy, fast food alternative, but if the customer's experience is a boilded bag of chicken microwaved on soggy bread, and the customer service is akin to the RMV, than all your marketing dollars are wasted.

Here's a visual of my experience. Was going to use this as the top of post photo, but it was just a little TOO disgusting.

I hope he checked with Katie

2007-03-27T13:32:00.000-04:00

White House spokeman Tony Snow was just diagnosed with a recurrence of Cancer that doesn't sound too good. I wish him well. He's got the toughest job in America, as chief spokeman for The Idiot. I just hope he has checked in with Katie Couric before making any career or family decisions. If you saw the interview with John & Elizabeth Edwards, you know it's now Katie's job to decide what is appropriate behavior and what people should think.

Most ridiculous co-branding example of the week.

2007-03-26T21:34:00.000-04:00

I could do a whole blog on the stupid shit I see at the grocery store. Who thinks up this shit? What marketing moron actually came up with the idea to print Trivial Pursuit questions in the frosting of Pop-Tarts? How can such a retarded concept be born? Sure dual-branding is epidemic. There is Scope in my Crest, Downey in my Tide, and every kind of trade-marked cookie and candy bar imaginable in my ice cream. It's just the next step in the conspiracy to stretch the toothpaste aisle (or in this case, the toaster pastry aisle) another 10 feet. But who the fuck is going to buy a package of Part-Tarts in order to get in a quick game of trivia at the breakfast table.

As I've said before: All marketing people are idiots. As several commenters previously pointed out: Brand managers are a few steps dumber.

Who Wants to be a Pedophile?

2007-03-16T16:41:00.000-04:00

That should be the new title of Dateline, since the show (which was always fake news in the worst sense of the term), has become nearly 100% Chris Hanson standing at the kitchen island confronting potential child molesters. The show is on now as often as Who Wants to be a Millionaire was a few years ago when that was briefly a ratings juggernaut. And its on all the time for the same reason as Millionaire-because it too is a ratings bonanza.

For the brief time I can stand to watch it, I don't know if I am more repulsed by the slime that come through the front door looking for their 12 year old dates; or by Hanson emerging from the back room to confront these loosers, as if being a pompous blowdried news anchor gives him licence to play cop, detective, judge, and social worker. The show has no more social value than Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader, and probably less.

And now the spillover has affected MSNBC, which has become the repository for endless reruns of the show, and now has Joe Scarborough, (who I was actually starting to enjoy, if only because its fun to hear Republicans bash Bush) nothing but a shill for the show. If Olbermann starts pushing it, I'll be done with him too.

Why Al Gore No Longer Sucks

2007-02-26T21:47:00.000-05:00

How things change. Six years ago, I so couldn't stomach the man, that I purposefully threw my vote away and voted for Ralph Nader (It's OK, I live in Massachusetts, it's not like it could possibly have made any difference). One year ago, I wrote this. Today, as I look at the possibility of a Hillary vs. Romney match, Al Gore suddenly looks like the best of all possibly worlds. A smart, experienced, relatively moderate (he was once considered a Conservative) senior statesman, who was not only one of the first mainstream politicians to vocally raise alarm over the environment, but was also virtually the only prominent politician of either party (other than maybe Pat Buchanan) to loudly object to the Iraq war, and call it nearly exactly as it would pan out.

While Obama may indeed make a viable presidential candidate SOME DAY, with only 2 years experience as a Senator, I find it appalling that he is being seriously considered. Especially when the country can see what damage an inexperienced president can do.

As far as Hillary or Romney go, both are such phonies, and would be such awful candidates that I could not see myself voting for either under any circumstance. Shockingly, Al Gore seems like the country's best hope at this point.

Lost in the Hallmark store

2007-02-13T12:49:00.000-05:00

Shopping for a Valentines or other card for the wife is just excruciating. I pick up one card after another & they just all suck. Mushy ones with full page poems are enough to make you puke. Funny ones are even worse. It's all pablum. I just stand there and reject each one the instant I pick it up. Now being a supposedly creative guy, I should just make something up myself, but I have a real hard time being creative in my spare time (possibly because I have no spare time!) so a day before V-Day I'm at the mercy of Hallmark.

I do feel for the people whose job it is to think this shit up day after endless day. Talk about creative burnout! It would be enough to make someone go postal! "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, If I have to write any more shit like this, I'm going to blow you all to Timbuktu"

Are Bostonians ALL Complete Idiots?

2007-01-31T20:44:00.000-05:00

First off, as a graphic designer, who has had to work with more than my share of marketing people over the years, I will state plainly that ALL MARKETING PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS. In fact, I've been working on a project for one all day today, which is why I didn't catch onto all of this Mooninite business till late this afternoon.

Clearly it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that strapping battery powered devices to bridges all over a city, might be cause for alarm by somebody!!

But how in hell did it take the entire apparatus of local, state and national government, and the mainstream media until 5:00 PM, after a full day of shutting down bridges, tying the city in complete knots, and blowing up electronic cartoon characters to figure out what was going on here. Seems like there were clues all over the place. I mean, there are pictures of this thing all over the internet, and the thing has been set up in 10 other cities for two weeks. Are Bostonians just particularly ignorant?

The most comical point in the whole day for me was Channel 7 blurring the finger (3 light bulbs) of the Mooninite so that no viewers would be offended. I'm just offended to live in such a completely nutjob society.

Stop Mixing Sports and Politics

2007-01-22T22:07:00.000-05:00

While I'm not a huge fan of sports talk radio, there are times, like during a Patriots or Red Sox playoff run, or immediately after a meltdown, that I enjoy tuning into WEEI. But the last thing I want to hear, two days before the biggest football game of the year, is right wing politics. Seems, lately that's all I get. Three times this week, I tuned into Dennis and Callahan to see what they were saying about the Pats, and all three times, they were trashing Hillary or Obama, and barely talking sports at all. Even today after last night's debacle in Indianapolis, they are talking politics when I turn them on.

Now a case could be made that a low IQ makes for entertaining sports talk, but in my book, that certainly doesn't translate to political talk. If I want a dose of right wing politics, I'll tune in Jay Severin. I certainly don't need to hear it from the sports bozos.

It feels drafty in here

2006-12-22T08:23:00.000-05:00

Bush's Secy. Of Veteran Affairs: “I Think That Our Society Would Benefit” From Reinstating Draft...

Then of course he clarified "of course I don't support the draft"

But mark my words, it's going to happen. Plenty of talk lately about increasing the size of the military, but the draft is the elephant in the room. No one dare mention it, except maybe McCain. But with the mess Bush has made of the military and the state of the world, it's inevitable. It probably will be left to the next Democrat president to do it, thereby forcing the Democrats to get the blame for it, but it's coming down. And to my Republican friends, who like me, have a kid that will probably be just the right age to be affected some day, just rememberer that you twice voted for the bafoon that is the cause of it.

Police Fundraising Scams

2006-12-07T20:06:00.000-05:00

It's the time of year when everyone comes out of the woodwork to try to separate me from my money. Thanks to the Do Not Call List, we no longer have to put up with telemarketing from businesses. But charities are another story. Once you donate to one, you are fair game for all forms of questionable charities to haunt you at every opportunity.

And nothing pisses me off more that the obviously phony, or barely legitimate, police and fire fundraising calls that I get constantly the last couple years. While it always annoyed me a bit to be hit on by my local police and fire department (what do I pay exorbitant property taxes for), I nevertheless would always donate $25 dollars to my local police and fire department.

But when I started getting calls for The New England Firefigher's Association, The American Police Officer's Association etc., and was confronted with high pressure assholes on the phone, I made a blanket policy that I would no longer give a dime to any police of fire group that call me on the phone. Sure, I'm probably tarring the legitimate calls with the scam calls, but I don't have any way to figure out who is legitimate and who is not, so that's just the way it goes. And even the most worthy charity shouldn't be haunting people for donations on the phone.

I'd Cry Too...

2006-12-06T14:09:00.000-05:00

If my son had screwed up his country and his world as thoroughly as W has. I really feel bad for 41. He's obviously been in agony over this. Has known all along where this was going. But the man is loyal to family, even above country. It's a friggin shame. All W had to do was take one ounce of fatherly advise from the man who may not have been the best President in modern times, but was certainly the most qualified. But no, W only took advise from a higher father. That has got to be the most telling of all quotes this dunce has uttered.

I think W has all of his mother's genes anyway, not his Dad's.

Balloons and Assault Rifles

2006-11-26T21:58:00.000-05:00

This has shocked me the past several years. At the annual holiday parade in Beverly there are dozens of vendors pushing carts filled with balloons and stuffed animals. You got everything from Dora the Explorer to Lightning McQueen to Santa Claus. But between the giant inflatable candy canes, and the stuffed Dumbos, are a display of toy assault rifles. Seriously. I'm not talking about little squirt guns or even cap guns. I'm talking three-foot long plastic rifles with scopes, clearly labeled "assault rifles". Unfortunately the photo I snapped doesn't show the wording but trust me, it was there.

What the hell is up with that. What could possibly be the justification for selling toy assault rifles to kids at a holiday parade? They have them every year, so somebody must be buying them. But before I ask "what parent would buy their kid a toy assault rifle at the local Santa Claus parade," I do have to hesitate & picture at least a couple of the parents I have seen picking up their kids at my sons kindergarten class and think. "Oh, yeah, I guess that kind of parent just might." Here you go junior. Go stand behind the mailbox & pretend you are picking off Santa.

Colors Named After Vegetables

2006-11-25T15:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I'm doing home improvement projects myself, I don't know my ass from my elbow. In this case, I don't know a friggin avocado from an artichoke.

Was going to take advantage of the relatively warm weather today and start to paint my shutters. After going through our usual obsessive-compulsive color speccing (I tend to be a little gay when it comes to picking colors for the house. Am worse than the wife, actually), and testing on the back side of the garage last spring we settled on Benjamin Moore color # 2141-10. Or since everybody has to be fucking Martha Stewart these days, Artichoke. But sometime between last spring, when we picked the color, and last weekend when I went to buy the paint, I transposed vegetables in my mind & went to the paint store and plunked down $75 for two gallons of Avocado paint.

So I just got things all set up today, pulled out the primer & started painting. Color looked a little bright, but since it was just the primer, and was still wet, I didn't worry that much about it. Got through the first shutter & it still looked wrong. It looked more like something I'd dip my nacho chips in, or worse yet, something I'd see after having many too many margaritas with my nachos, than something I'd want to hang on my house. So I check the top coat can & it looked pretty much the same. Then I dug out the test can from last Spring & sure enough, it was supposed to be Artichoke, not Avocado. God damn $75 down the drain because I remembered the the wrong fucking vegetable.

Now the paint store says to bring in the cans & they'll see if they can turn Avocado into Artichoke, but I figure I'll just end up with pukey looking Asparagus or something.

7-day Weather Forecasts

2006-11-22T09:31:00.000-05:00

Weather forecasts are a pretty dubious enterprise as it is. Seems that two days ago, Thanksgiving was going to be a warm sunny day, and now it's going to be a washout. But many of the stations now seem to be doing 7-day forecasts. 7 days out there is a snowball's chance in hell of them getting it right, but that's besides the point. Like all else in local news, this started with a marketing consultant. At Channel 7, the marketing tie-in is obvious. Who cares if there is a 1% chance of them getting it right? Why pass up the chance to be able to reinforce the brand by saying Seven on 7 every time you give the weather. Now by this logic, Channel 4 would be doing only 4-day forecasts, but there must also be a page in the consultant's handbook that says you can't forecast any fewer number days than your competition, even at the expense on not being able to reinforce your brand.

I'm sure somewhere, there is a Channel 10 attempting to do 10-day forecasts. And I wouldn't be too surprised if somewhere down the road, Fox 25 jumps on the bandwagon & attempts to do 25-day forecasts. Hmm, you don't think that with Channel 7 taking over the news operation at Channel 56, they would have the balls to go for a 56-day forecast do you?

If it airs, you must despair

2006-11-16T08:54:00.000-05:00

He's back! Just when you thought television and publishing standards could get no lower, OJ has been given yet another public forum by his enablers in the media. This one is truly despicable. He has a new book titled, incredibly, If I Did It, Here's How It Happened. The book is being published by the shameless Judith Regan who will also interview the deranged lunatic in a two part special on the equally shameless FOX network. Everyone involved here sucks: OJ, the media, anybody that watches or buys this crap, and certainly any advertisers that support it. I'd guess that they won't find any, but I won't be too surprised (I've overestimated corporate ethics many times before) to hear some corporate lowlife that would support this bile. Say, like News Corp, the parent company of both FOX, and the publisher Harper-Collins? There is just no depth to how low this guy and his enablers will go.

Icy Martinis and Bad Fish

2006-11-13T11:01:00.001-05:00

OK, enough politics for a while. Back to more important things.

Like why can't the new trendy martini restaurant in my town figure out how to make a martini that isn't full of ice chunks? Any why are they only half full?

It's not like we get out to trendy martini bars very often with two little kids. Maybe we aren't up on all the trends. Like we know it's correct to serve red wine in a much oversized glass, so it can breath (or some such nonsense), but when did this become true of martinis? And it's not like this was an oversized glass. It was just a much undersized martini.

And what's with the ice chunks? This restaurant, Mandrake in Beverly, is very cool, great atmosphere, and has been open about a year. We tried it out when it first opened and had the exact same experience with the drinks. Gave them a pass because it had only been open a week. But by now, I'd think they should know how to make a martini correctly. I mean, I wouldn't expect a perfect martini at a beer joint, or at the 99, but when you have a martini menu, you should be able to make a fucking martini without shards of ice in it.

And then there is the tuna problem. I am a bit of a tuna snob. Tuna can only be cooked one way: RARE. The best tuna dishes I've ever had were cooked by a chef named Brian Kilroy who worked at the late, great Love Noodle in Salem, and then hopped around to several other restaurants on the North Shore. It was perfect every time. Seared, sliced, and served over asian noodles and vegetables in a killer soy wasabi sauce. If you ordered it any other way than RARE, he would refuse to make it. He was the Tuna Nazi.

Mandrake's tuna appetizer was cooked correctly, but it seemed like it was prepared between a few hours and a few days before it was served. Yuck.

So while we will probably give Mandrake another chance at some point, it is on a 6-month probation for shitty drinks and stale tuna. One of our other favorite North Shore restaurants, Finz in Salem is also on a 1-year tuna probation for the bland, overthick, seared on only one side slab I got there this summer. Rare tuna is good, but a two inch thick piece of raw fish with no flavor is not.

Why are all my friends Republican?

2006-11-09T10:02:00.000-05:00

Here is just a sampling of comments from my Republican friends after Tuesday's big thumpin'. For some reason I tend to have many more Republican friends than Democrats. They are all terribly misguided, but I can't seem to do anything about it. This doesn't even include the most anti-liberal, FOX News talking-point spewing, illegal alien fearing (although safely ensconced in alien-free Marblehead) Republican nut-job buddy, who I nearly came to blows with in a bar on the eve of the Iraq war when I correctly predicted just about everything that has happened over there. I have yet to hear from him, but have no doubt that there will be no change in his no-holds-barred anti-liberal tirades.

Anyways, here's a sampling of emails from the others.

I suggest you start the process of getting your pistol permits to carry concealed weapons now. The Democrats are in power and as bad as Massachusetts is now, it will only get worse. May the dear lord take pity on Massachusetts; I almost puked last night listening to Ted Kennedy introduce the Devil. In fact, I couldn't listen; I turned off the TV, kissed my children and started battening down the hatches. This is Jericho.

These guys are in over their head. Just wait a few years after we've paid higher taxes and on the surface a few social/ education programs look a little better (as might the economy) We'll also have a deficit of 4 billion instead of 2. By the time his or Murray's term is over (Patrick is out of here if a Democrat is elected into the Oval Office), it will be 1989 all over again, our economy will be in the tank and more people will be out of work. Not to mention the criminal pardons. Cranky, you will rue the day you decided to go back to the dark side.

At least one is only a wishy-washy Republican.

You know I voted for Healey but to be honest, I held my nose while doing it.

In addition to this, my brother-in-law persueded (certainly with some help of the race card) his normally Democratic 85 year-old mother of all the scarry things that could happen if Patrick was elected & drove her to the polls so she could vote against the Dems.

Jeeze, I need to do something about my political circle of friends. I guess this is the perils of living in the suburbs. But if you judged me by my friends and relatives, you might think I lived in Mississippi, not Massachusetts.

I can't get rid of my Kerry cookie

2006-11-08T13:52:00.000-05:00

On a day of almost uniform good news: Democrats taking control of the House, and possibly Senate. Rumsfeld resigning. The end of the Romney error. On a great day for a liberal-leaning news junkie, my web browser, and MSNBC is playing dirty dricks on me. Every time I go there I am greated with the above banner from two weeks ago. The day when our dufus Senator stuck his foot in his mouth and gave rise to the insecurity and fear of every Democrat that, just like the Red Sox, they were going to find a way to blow it in the bottom of the 9th. If I refresh, I get the current good news, but every time I go back to get any updates, I'm greeted by Senetor Dufus again, and for an instant think yesterday was only a dream.

Election Night Blogging

2006-11-07T19:42:00.000-05:00

ADVICE TO THE NATION FROM MASSACHUSETTS

Exit Poll Question:
Do you think Mitt Romney would make a good President
No: 70%

Do you think John Kerry would make a good President
No: 68%

FIRST INSTANCE OF DUMB VOTERS (OR DUMB EXCUSES)

Joe Leiberman is complaining that people are calling to complain that they can't find his name on the ballot. He's listed 5th

TELEVISION COVERAGE JUXTAPOSITION

John Henning looks like a giant standing next to Sarah Underwood on Channel 38. He's certainly a giant intellectually in comparison.

SHOCKING STATISTIC

I'm really surprised to hear that Deval Patrick is only the second black Governor in the history of the country.

SCARBOROUGH FLIPPING OUT

This is weird. Joe Scarborough is flipping out at Chris Matthews for agreeing with Howard Dean that he's too partison. He's really pissed.

NETWORK BIAS

Flipping between MSNBC & CNN (and FOX Occasionally) and there is a definite difference on how they are presenting this. MSNBC is definitely making a better case for how the Democrats are doing than CNN (and of course Fox is)

Gee, that's big of you, Quark

2006-11-07T11:40:00.000-05:00

Just got this email from Quark, the page layout program that I ceremoniously dumped about a year ago. I no longer use the program, except for the occasional update to an old job that I haven't felt like converting to InDesign. Quark just came out with a new version that I have no intention of buying, and know next to nothing about. The email stated with great excitement, Important licensing change: Upgrade to QuarkXPress 7 and continue to run QuarkXPress 6. Yes, it’s true. Your license for QuarkXPress 6 remains alive and well when you upgrade to QuarkXPress 7

Well, what the fuck, Quark. You mean that before this big announcement you were actually forcing people to disable the old version that they had payed $1000 for? When anybody who has ever used Quark knows that any new version will be so full of bugs that they will end up reverting to the old version for the two years it takes Quark to fix all the problems anyways?

That's the bullshit that has caused everybody to abandon this company in droves. The fact that you set up the new release like that in the first place, and now consider it a big gift to your customers to let them keep using the old version shows that nothing has changed in Quarkland.

I'm very happy to be through with you.

[computers] [graphic design] [products] [publishing]

The "Things that Suck" Endorsement

2006-11-02T22:22:00.000-05:00

While I often take issue with Democratic leaders' ineptitude, and the party's adherence to political correctness and special interests, I want to make sure that for at least the next week, the picture under the "Things that Suck" banner is of the real menace, George W. Bush. Easily the most delusional, dishonest, and dangerous President in my lifetime, and arguably in our nation's history. The man who took the the unity of the entire country, and the support of the world after September 11th, and turned it into worldwide scorn.

"Things that Suck" endorses any candidate in any race, in any district, in any state, who can in anyway help to put some kind of check on this evil doer. And if not impeach him (and Cheney), at least control him over the next two years. Unfortunately, in just about every case, this means voting Democratic. I say unfortunately because I see no positive or unified plan for dealing the mess caused by Bush from the Democrats either, and hold them responsible for playing dead for four years and allowing Bush and his cronies free reign. But right now, that's the only hope we have.

Senator, You're No John Stewart

2006-10-31T20:59:00.000-05:00

You're a fucking idiot!

Not happy having blown the presidential election, now you've gone and thrown Karl Rove a big sloppy wet kiss, just when there was finally a real chance of a Democratic victory.

First you insult all members of the armed forces with your boneheaded comments that they are there because they are uneducated. Now there is probably a lot of truth in the argument that there are many people in the service right now, and therefore in Iraq, precisely because they didn't have many other opportunities in life including the opportunity for higher education. But you don't come out and put it the way you did, a week before the fucking election!

And now, you are digging yourself deeper with this Clintonian denial that "I was trying to tell a joke about the President" Bullshit!! Sure Bush may be the dumbest president in our history, but it certainly isn't because of a lack of opportunity or education. He went to fucking Yale like you, asshole. You're now fabricating a whole bullshit joke explanation, keeping the story alive longer, and making people remember why they decided that it was better to keep the idiot in the White House than to have to listen to you for four years.

And did you really call Rush Limbaugh doughy in an official press release? That's pretty funny. Maybe you are John Stewart.

New Leader in Boston's Worst Newscast Race

2006-10-27T10:06:00.000-04:00

There is certainly some heady competition in the contest for Boston's worst newscast. On any particular night all three 11:00 newscasts, as well as both 10:00 newscasts could just as easily take the prize. It's a vast wasteland. But the new kid on the block, Channel 38's 9:30 newscast has lately risen to number one with a bullet.

It's just horrible. First off, who the hell designed the news set. Color scheme is so 1999. Tiny little desk the anchors stand at is just weird. Looks like they just went to Home Depot & loaded up on stuff out of the clearance bin. I think those are metal wall studs sticking out of the anchors heads. Even the widescreen TV that the weather is presented on looks like the weekly loss-leader special at Best Buy.

The news script is just painful to listen to. Sara Underwood, while still somewhat of a babe, is so dumb she makes Maria Stephanos look like a Rhodes Scholar. It's especially awkward when she attempts to do serious world news (something that of course, isn't attempted too often.) The only possible positive is Jon Keller's political analysis. He's a certified geek, but head and shoulders above the likes of Andy Hiller on Channel 7. But then they force him to race through his commentary while a 38-second clock ticks away.

It's just dreadful.

Globe magazine becomes Gay Lifestyles Weekly

2006-10-22T14:25:00.000-04:00

When did the Globe magazine turn into The Advocate?
(Not that there is anything wrong with that.)

Lately it seems almost every feature in the Globe magazine focuses on a gay couple. This week's issue is the home design issue, and the lead story focuses on Marty Layne and her partner, Patty Bird's new kitchen/living area. Last week, the story was about couples overloaded with mortgage debt, and sure enough the opening of the story featured Gregory Truman and his 56-year-old husband. A few weeks ago, I remember some story on schools, and one of the features was on a gay couple choosing a school for their kid. The "Coupling" column is just as often about a gay couple as a straight couple.

Now let me preface this by saying that I could care less about gay marriage at this point. When it first came up, it did seem overreaching to me. Why not settle for "domestic partnership" or something, rather than pushing for something you know is going to rile up all the right-wing lunatics, and play right into the Karl Rove playbook. But at this point, who the fuck cares! There is a lot more to worry about in this country, and I'm certainly against any right-wing efforts to amend the constitution to outlaw gay marriage.

But it is clearly obvious that the editors of the Globe magazine are going out of their way to infuse gay culture into the pages in a major way. And even though I am generally liberal, especially on social issues, I still find it strange, and a little manipulative to be reading a mainstream magazine, and find so many what seem forced instances of gay domestic bliss portrayed. It's almost like a mandate that the editors now have to include an example of a gay couple in every feature package.

Bank of America scam

2006-10-18T10:50:00.000-04:00

Here's a nice little scam my bank plays on me to penalize me for paying off my full credit card balance. Normally my payment is due on the 15th or 16th of the month. It's usually timed pretty well that I can make a payment at the same time at the mid month pay period. On the rare occasions when I am able to pay off the full balance, just to make it more difficult for me to be able to do that again the following month, they move my payment due date up 5 days the next month. Then if you don't notice the change in due date, they whack you with a $40 late payment charge. That's their policy. Of course they don't call it a full payment penalty, but that's what it is.

Big banks suck.

Five All News Channels and No News

2006-10-14T20:54:00.000-04:00

Been busy and havn't seen the news in a couple days. So I try to flip to one of the cable news channels. No fucking news! MSNBC has some documentary about a prison in Illinois, CNN has the miserable Larry King with the miserable Suzanne Somers, FOX has yet another anniversary show celebrating 10 years of unfair and unbalanced news. Headline News has the completely horrifying Nancy Grace. All I got is NECN, which is usually fine, but Tom Ellis is on, and he just creeps me out. Looking for straight news on the news channels is getting to be like waiting for a music video on MTV.

Dirty Tricks from Fox News?

2006-10-04T09:48:00.000-04:00

In case you have any doubt about Fox News' right wing bias check out this little "mistake" from Bill O'Reilly's show last night. This went on for quite a while apparently, with Mark Foley indentified as a Democrat in the crawl. Now, of course, anybody paying attention knows Foley is a Republican, but that's not the point. Fox News is all about the subtle manipulation of the ignorant masses. The people who hear the 10 second sound bite that reinforces their already formed opinion. Or hear O'Reilly simplistic black and white solutions delivered with absolute certainty. Then spout the soundbites back as their own opinions, without any understanding of the complexities of the underlying issues.

Now, I'm not generally a conspiracy theorist, but after what I've seen from the Republicans and Republican-sympathetic media the last few years, I would put nothing past them. It's like the fraction of a second ad saying Eat More Popcorn that was slipped into drive-in movies in the 50s. I could see this as just one more Karl Rove inspired trick to subconsciously make the Fox News watchers think Democrat when they hear Republican.

It just keeps getting better

2006-10-03T16:51:00.000-04:00

New Foley Instant Messages; Had Internet Sex While Awaiting House Vote

Let's see, yesterday the excuse was that he was an alcoholic & headed to rehab (just like Patches Kennedy and Mel Gibson). Today it's because he was molested a a child. Tomorrow he'll have been framed by Mark Fuhrman. All I can say is, thank God he's not a Democrat.

The biggest bummer of the whole day for me is that Keith Olbermann was off (taping the Letterman show) on perhaps the best day of the decade to be a Republican-hater. Keith, how could you desert us at a time like this.

Maybe taking the country to war under false pretences and a pack of lies, trashing the Constitution, and just general incompetence isn't quite enough for the Republicans to lose power, but a good sex scandal (or as Tony Show calls it simply naughty emails) might just do the trick.

And here's some more art on the subject.

Dennis Hastert & Bernard Law: Separated at Birth

Christy, you're lying now

2006-09-28T19:48:00.000-04:00

Now, I am an artist, but you don't have to be an artist to realize that the cartoonist who did the drawings for Christy Mihos' very funny Heads up Their Asses commercial, penned a pretty good likeness of Kerry Healey. From the hairstyle, to the stance, to the style of dress, it is spot on. Yet when he was questioned about the likeness in an NECN interview, Mihos, with a straight face, claimed that any likeness was purely coincidental, then uttered this exact quote: "The woman that did the animation wouldn't know the difference between Kerry Healey and Deval Patrick." Come on Christy! How dumb do you think we is. The funny thing is, even Kerry Healey is publicly buying his denial.

Now, I have nothing against Christy. A slightly off-kilter independent candidate makes an otherwise boring campaign fun. Just remember Ross Perot. And as far as negative campaign ads go, this is amongst the best ever. But give us a break. It's pretty obvious who this was targeting. Maybe the animator didn't know the difference between Kerry and Deval — until you stuck a photo in front of her, and said "draw the woman to look just like this!"

More "Freedom Fries" Silliness

2006-09-22T13:11:00.000-04:00

Remember all the idiot restaurant owners a few years ago that were serving Freedom Fries instead of French Fries after France refused to go along with Bush's Iraq madness? Gee, that really showed old Jacques Chirac that we Americans mean business. Pretty obvious who was right about that one, huh?

So now some Boston City Councilor and a local talk radio nitwit want to tear down the Kenmore Square Citgo sign and put up a giant American flag to protest Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez's UN speech. In case you missed it, the Venezuelan nutjob said on the floor of the UN that Bush was the Devil and needed to see a psychiatrist (I personally think he hit the mark on this one). Apparently Citgo is owned by the Venezuelan government.

Whenever a foreign government dares to disagree with or criticize the American government, there are always plenty of bozos ready to step up, and play right into the stereotype of the ignorant American, aren't there. "Here's a big raspberry to you, Chavez. That'll learn ya."

My 4-year old got a hooker doll for her birthday

2006-09-11T20:02:00.000-04:00

Here's a picture of a doll that my 4-year old got for her birthday from the mother of a school friend. Now, is it me, or is this just a little bit over the top.

What's next, the whips and chains accessory pack?

Now the little darling often exhibits teenage behavior already, but I thought I had a few years left before I started to have to deal with this kind of stuff.

Public School Silliness Part 1

2006-09-07T21:37:00.000-04:00

My kid started kindergarten this week, and so begins my education into ridiculous government regulations. Actually it started somewhat in preschool with my introduction to the concept of peanut-free schools.

Well my son's new elementary school isn't peanut-free, only peanut sensitive. But it is newly homemade bakes goods free, No more bake sales. We got the official regulation today. No goods baked at home will be allowed for any school events. All foods must be prepackaged or cooked in a "licensed kitchen," meaning a restaurant, grocery store, or bakery. So it''s OK to go to the bakery at Stop and Shop, or presumably even Dunkin Donuts, and buy cookies and bring them in. But you are not allowed to bake your own brownies for the school bake sale. What would Betty Crocker say?

Now I first assumed that this ridiculousness was a product of the Massachusetts Democratic Legislature (remember Fluff madness?). But no, it's a new Federal Regulation signed by George W called the Child Nutrition and WIC Reauthorization Act.

I'll bet if you follow that legislation back, that somewhere there is a trail of large donations to Senators from the Bakers' Union or whatever lobbying group represents bakery owners. Just gotta cut off that competition from Aunt Betty making her own brownies for the school bake sale. It's threatening bakery owners everywhere.

Please Keep the Blowhard Senators out of the Broadcast Booth

2006-08-18T21:54:00.000-04:00

Jerry, you looked like you were feeling my pain, but couldn't you do something about that? Why did we have to endure 10 minutes of Senator Chris Dodd's blobbering Seantorspeak while we were trying to watch the Red Sox/Yankees game. I guess it's for the Jimmy Fund thing, but he's not even talking about that. He's talking nonsense. There should be no politicians in the broadcast booth. Ever! Can't you just shut up let us watch the fucking game? Great, now Trump is on.

OK, I just donated $100. Just promise me no more Senators.

New Menu Option from Bertucci's

2006-08-15T19:26:00.000-04:00

It's not listed on the menu anywhere, and I haven't seen it advertised yet, but looks like Bertucci's has a new menu item to introduce. Broccoli and olives. Mmm. I hadn't eaten there since my last Bertucci's sucks post, but I figured the 6 month probation period was over and I ordered a sandwich there today. Usual confused person at the counter, and instead of the usual pasta salad side, this is what I got. A container with four dry pieces of steamed broccoli and three black olives. Yum, what an appetizer for my chicken panini sandwich. Camera phone picture makes it all the more appetizing. Best lunch surprise I've had since I found a 2" piece of wood in my sushi salad from Not Your Average Joe's back before I had a blog to rant about it on.

Addendum: My god, I just read the new menu, and this is actually what they MEANT to serve. I wrote this whole thing sarcastically thinking this was a mistake, that it was something that was meant to go on somebody else's pizza or something. But the menu clearly states that the sandwiches now come with "broccoli salad". This is what they call broccoli salad? A couple droopy pieces of steamed broccoli and 3 dry olives? Yuk!

Now, I'm not a broccoli hater like Papa Bush, but I can't even imaging a vegetarian finding this dish appetizing.

I've got blog fatigue

2006-08-01T13:48:00.000-04:00

Sorrow about the absense, but I have decided that blogging sucks-at least in the summer.

So bad, So bad, So bad!

2006-07-05T13:40:00.000-04:00

Audience sing alongs suck in general. Nothing wrong with singing along to your favorite band in concert, but when said performer stops midstream to let the audience fill in the blank, then you know said performer has jumped the shark.

So that brings me to my latest subject.

In spite of generally considering myself an "alternative" rock fan, I have confessed here before about some of my guiltiest pop pleasures. And there was no more guilty pleasure than Neil Diamond. Now I'm not professing to be a fan of "Turn on Your Heartlight, " or "You Don't Bring Me Flowers", but I will argue the the pop virtues of "Craklin' Rosie" or "Sweet Caroline" all day. Hey, it's not just me, his songs have been covered by everybody from UB40 to Urge Overkill. And he wrote my favorite Monkees tune, I'm a Believer, which was recently a hit for Smash Mouth.

But Sweet Caroline has been forever ruined for me by the Boston Red Sox. In fact, I'm not even sure it's the Red Sox fault. The original sinner may lie elsewhere. Whoever it was who decided to turn the song into a 7th inning fan singalong anthem should be shot. Play the song, fine. But who is the fuckin' clown who decided it would be cool to turn the volume down every 5 seconds so 35,000 boozed up fans could sing " bop bop bop" and "so good, so good, so good" It's fuckin' horrific.

And now it has spread. Was at our local fireworks show in Beverly last night, and the song come on just before the show. My only thought was, well at least I can hear the non-bastardized version.

But no, comes to the "Sweet Caroline" part, and sure enough the sound goes off. Of course the Beverly crowd wasn't that hip to the Fenway version, so it was mostly just dead air. Is there an actual altered version that has the dead air in it, or are DJs all over New England copping Fenway, and just turning down the volume? Whatever it is, it's fucking horrendous. Like the god damn Macarena or something. I can never stand to hear the fuckin song again now.

Competitive Eating

2006-06-25T16:30:00.000-04:00

Is there anything that says "stupid Americans" more than hot-dog eating contests? It's just moronic. They are even trying to make this into a sport by calling it Competitive Eating.

At long last, have we no sense of decency.

Is this what our true pupose is in bringing democracy to Iraq? So they too will be free to have hot-dog eating contests?

Reasons Why Johnny Damon Sucks, Part 3

2006-06-23T22:01:00.000-04:00

"Johnny Damon Rings Opening Bell
at New York Stock Exchange"

Reasons Why Johnny Damon Sucks, Part 1
Reasons Why Johnny Damon Sucks, Part 2

Sidekick is swallowing my Globe

2006-06-23T13:05:00.000-04:00

So today the Sports section from my Globe was missing. Searched everywhere and finally found it inside of Sidekick. Yesterday the same thing happened with the Calendar section.

So what is the deal with Sidekick? It's this silly little section the Globe launched with great fanfare a year or so ago. I never read it or quite get the point of it. On the web, it makes a bit or sense, but in print It's just an annoyance like the Sunday advertising flyers. I guess it's supposed to tell you everything that's happening in town today. But I would expect that to be in the Arts section where all the other arts and entertainment is. It seems to me like a place for them to stuff all the things they don't know what to do with. It has comics and TV listings in it, but I never bother with either. I seem to remember the comic people being pissed in the beginning because they shrunk the comics down to fit them in it. And here's a question: If the TV listings are in it, why aren't the movie listings in it?

My biggest gripe is that it's always printed so badly, that at least the color pages are illegible. I mean, I'm in the publishing business, so I know that newspapers always send the crappy copies as far away from the city as they can-mainly so advertisers don't see them. But how can a big city paper like the Globe regularly have copies that are printed so badly they barely deserve to be put under a birdcage? Hey, maybe I'll send my copy directly to the advertising department of Jordan's Furniture. Their ad in the center of the thing today is so out of register, that's it's illegible. I'm sure Barry and Elliot would like to know what their hard earned advertising dollars are buying them. Mine always looks like this. And not only that, but the section is so thin, and the paper is such shit, that there are always creases across it, so even if the type is in register, you still can't read it.

But printing issues aside, the thing is ridiculous anyways. If it had all the arts and entertainment in it, and was like a mini-Phoenix or something, that would be one thing. But to stick a few listings, some stupid sections like the chess quiz, the "Reflection of the Day" (today's is "One does not love a place the less for having suffered in it") in this pidly little 12 page section & try to make it out to be some big innovation is ridiculous.

Any then to start burying Sports and other legitimate sections inside this joke of a section it is sort of like AOL taking over Time Warner. Look how well that worked out.

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, Part 2

2006-06-22T20:31:00.000-04:00

That's John Kerry, of course, on the left, who this week came out with position number 459 on the Iraq War, calling for a pullout of troops (just in time for his next Presidential run?), and got only 12 of his fellow Democrats to go along. This instantly gave rise to a new Karl Rove catch phrase "cut and run" that will now be repeated ad nauseum until it sticks, giving another life to the on-the-rope Republicans, just in time for this November's elections. Just like in the election of 2004, the moronic public will look at Bush & the Republicans, and say, "Yes, they are incompetent buffoons, but they are better than the flip-floppers or the cut-and-runners."

And that's Pennsylvania Senetor Rick Santorum on the right, who is 19% behind in the poles, and today called a press conference to announce that weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq. Yes, weapons that were buried by Iraqi troops during the Iraq-Iran war (which ended in 1988) and were long forgotten, and degraded. Hardy the weapons that we went to war over at the cost of over 2500 American kids lives.

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, Part 1

It's a Fluff Circus

2006-06-21T15:27:00.000-04:00

Can't we all just stop talking about Fluff and get along?

No kids shouldn't be served Fluffernutters every day for school lunch.

No, our legislators shouldn't be spending time making laws to this effect.

No, the Fluffernutter shouldn't be the state sandwich.

Can't you all just get back to important issues like flag burning, and let talk radio get back to immigrant hysteria.

I sort of feel responsible for this, because Sunday at the beach (the day before Fluffmania started) I got all Cambridgey and scolded the wife for bringing Fluffernutters for the kids.

Bullshit News

2006-06-19T09:41:00.000-04:00

When I read the story on the front page last month saying the spring floods had washed away much of the area's mosquito larvae and that this would be a milder than normal year for mosquitoes, I just knew that the story would turn out to be bullshit. Or that within days I'd read a story that said the exact opposite.

Now, after the first real summer weekend, it's clear that the mosquitoes certainly weren't washed away, and are heavier than ever this year. Just another case of the news media grabbing some "scientific study," splashing it on the front page, or top of the newscast, whether or not it has any basis of truth.

How to run a news business in the 00's: Just grab yourself a scientific study that has a good headline, and fills 30 seconds of airtime, or 20 column inches of your newspaper. Accuracy is unimportant.

You might as well not even watch or read the news, because chances are half of it isn't even true, anyways. One week a glass of wine a night is a great health benefit. Next week, a glass of wine a night can increase your risk of colon cancer.

Tonight at 11: More bullshit news.

Indoor Baseball

2006-06-15T21:59:00.000-04:00

Exhibit A why indoor baseball sucks. The Metrodome in Minneapolis. I guess the good people of Minneapolis (my favorite city that I've never been to) have finally wised up, and are in the process of replacing this Hindenburg. But for the time being, it still stands, and contributes horrors like the play that just happened to baseball.

David Ortiz absolutely crushes a ball. It's a sure home run. But no. It hits these mammoth speakers hanging from the inflated ceiling, falls straight down, and is ruled a single. Un fuckin' believable. The ball would have landed in the upper deck. And worse, apparently the rules say that if it is caught, it would have been an out.

Why do they need an indoor baseball stadium in Minneapolis anyways. Apparently it's for the football side. The relic was built in 1982, in the heyday of building dual purpose baseball & football stadiums. One of the stupidest trends of all time. Thankfully, most cities that have built these dinasaurs have finally realized that baseball shouldn't be played in a football stadium, and football shouldn't be played in a baseball stadium.

But alas, we don't have to worry about any of this here in Boston, because we have our beloved Fenway.

Worst Person in the World

2006-06-12T20:09:00.000-04:00

I hesitate to even mention Ann Coulter, because she is the perfect example of someone who is only a public irritant because she is constantly given a forum by the media. So even the mere mention on my stupid blog is adding to the problem.

Only solution to Ann Coulter and her ilk would be to ignore her and hope she goes away. Unfortunately the media can't ignore anyone, however horrifying. So she comes out with some outrageous, moronic comment, is instantly given a forum by the likes of Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh, which leads to her appearance on the Today show and Larry King, which leads to more sales of her books, which in turn leads to more media appearances, the cover of Time, and a place as a spokesperson for the conservative cause.

That's all it takes: You need no credentials, no IQ, no intelligence: Just toss out a few well times barbs, and the media machine does the rest.

Ask the Manager

2006-06-10T21:27:00.000-04:00

What the fuck, Terry Francona, are you doing putting Keith Faulk in in the 9th inning of a one run game? It's a guarantee that he'll fuckin blow it you moron!

There they go again

2006-06-05T10:40:00.000-04:00

It's midterm election time, there's a Republican buffoon in the White House, and the country has belately woken up to that fact. So what's a Republican to do but dust off all the old hot-button diversions like flag burning and gay marriage.

As their hero Ronnie would say "There you go again"

Give me a friggin break. With all the problems this country is facing, it would be nice to think that the electorate wasn't as stupid as they were back in '88 when Poppa Bush started all this. But that would no doubt be giving too much credit.

Lee Atwater, rot in hell.

Just What I Needed (Not!)

2006-06-04T19:17:00.000-04:00

If Ric Okasek decided to get the original Cars back together and tour, the chances that I would go see the show would be about point-five percent.

Like most people who went to college in the 80s, the Cars were certainly a part of the soundtrack of my life. I was never a huge fan, but I owned many of their albums on vinyl, and generally liked most of their songs. But I saw them in concert a couple times, and was underwhemed both times. They were a studio pop band, and to me it just never translated very well to the stage.

So add 25 years, and how does their music hold up? Not very well. You know how I know this? It's the age of the IPod. I have 1000+ songs on my IPod. I have made quite the effort to round out my primary music of choice (postpunk, power pop, and alternative country) with good tunes and even guilty pleasures from every other genre. So in addition to The Replacements, Old-97's, and Fountains of Wayne, my IPod contains everything from Dean Martin to the Monkees to Duran Duran. I even have a Tom Jones song, a Tony Orlando and Dawn song and a couple Neil Diamond songs. Yet I have not a single Cars song.

Now to some degree that is probably an oversight, but their stuff just does not hold up very well.

So what would be less interesting than a reuinted Cars tour? How about The New Cars. What a ridiculous concept! Ric Okasek was smart enough to sit this one out, but original guitarist Elliot Easton and keyboardist Greg Hawkes must have needed some cash bad, so they hooked up with Todd Rundgren, a relic of an even earlier era, and a couple other members of his band to go on tour as The New Cars.

Now who the hell would go to see this? If there were still any diehard Cars fans, why would they go to a show without Ric Okasek? It's friggin crazy. The best people could hope for, I guess, would be for them to roll out Todd's one hit "Hello It's Me" a song that probably actually holds up better than any of the Cars songs.

Stupid Naming Rights

2006-05-19T16:51:00.000-04:00

There are always ridiculous examples of event naming rights: The Chick-fil-a Peach Bowl, The AutoZone Liberty Bowl etc. But having a kids breakfast food (an admission here: I've had a bit of a renewed Pop-Tart jones ever since I bought a box for my kids on vacation last summer) sponsor even a horrendous tour like this is just weird. Will fans of the show be more apt to buy Pop-Tarts? Will people be more apt to go to the show if the see it advertised on their Pop-Tart box. What's next: Captain Crunch presents the America's Next Top Model road tour?

[entertainment] [kids stuff] [marketing] [pop culture] [television]

The Frontline Guy Sells Out

2006-05-18T15:14:00.000-04:00

The narrators of investigative news shows play a great part in conveying either the seriousness or the trashyness of the program. Listening to Stone Phillips and Chris Hanson on Dateline NBC, for instance, you instantly know that the show is nothing but tabliod crap, and will stop at nothing for ratings. The overproduced narration with forced pauses, and all the gimicks to tart up any subject. William Hurt forcing a tear on camera in Broadcast News is child's play next to these guys.

Frontline is the opposite of these shows. It's really the only serious investigative news show on TV. And a good deal of the authority of the show is carried by the terrific narration of Will Lyman. His voice is so identified with that show that to hear it anywhere else, is just wrong.

But now his voice is popping up all over the place as the voice of BMW. The ads are in heavy rotation. They are pretty decent ads, and the guy can't be expected to make a living just narrating Frontline (although I guess he is an accomplished actor too). But somehow hearing that voice of authority sell a car dimishes it's impact next time you watch a serious subject on Frontline.

But you know what. Here's an irony of media in the 00's: I guess given the choice of selling out by doing a car ad, or selling out & going to work for a network newsmagazine, he did choose the lesser mode of selling out. Car ads are by far a higher art form than network newsmagazines. Hell, so is Cops.

Far from "Fantastic"

2006-05-15T18:51:00.000-04:00

This is some disgusting shit. We're not big into packaged foods, but somewhere along the line someone grabbed this from the health food aisle at the supermarket: Fantastic Foods Vegetarian Pad Thai. After a weekend of insanity, bailing out our flooded cellar etc., and home alone for dinner, it was just the kind of night to reach for some prepackaged meal, and shove it in the microwave. Or in this case drop the plastic container in a pot of boiling water for three minutes. Yuk. What shit. Little squares of something that was supposed to be tofu, I guess, but tasted like leather. About 12 noodles with no taste. Three bites and into the trash.

I would have been much better off, eating the three-week old real Pad Thai leftovers from our yummy local Thai place, that was buried in the back of the fridge. Or, I guess in the time it took me to cook, eat, throw away, and then blog about this crap, I could have gone down to the Thai place and ordered a fresh order or the real thing.

You Call This RAPID Transit?

2006-05-08T12:12:00.000-04:00

I used to be a regular MBTA Commuter Rail and subway rider, so I am very accustomed to Boston's dysfunctional system- especially the Green Line and North Station. Both are jokes.

I've mentioned here before the absurdity of building an all new transportation hub (North Station) that is used by thousands of commuters a day (in addition to serving as the entry area to a 20,000 seat stadium) that has a 15 foot wide waiting area, and one two-stall bathroom located at the furthest possible point from the train platforms. The place is an absolute joke.

And when I worked in the city, I generally would walk from the Back Bay to North Station because the chances were 50/50 that you would beat the Green Line by walking. At least you knew how long it would take if you walked.

So yesterday I took the train in to the Red Sox game. The commuter rail ride from my home on the North Shore is only about a half hour, half of which is spent negotiating the track switching area along the final mile. It used to be that the biggest bottleneck of the trip, and the reason I usually avoided taking the train to such events was having to use the decrepit elevated Green Line station, and having to wait in line at the single booth for a token.

But hey, I figured, I know there is a spiffy new subway station, there is the much hyped Charlie Card. And it's 2006. Boston must finally have caught up with the times, and there must be token machines galore.

Well that was giving much too much credit to this stupid annoying city.

Came out of the train station, and entered the gleaming new combined Green and Orange Line station, and sure enough, a line stretched nearly out the door to the SINGLE token booth manned by the same slow lazy, government union worker type that was always manning the single token booth in the old elevated station. Not a token machine or Charlie Card machine in sight.

That's Boston. They can build new multi-million dollars stations, increase prices regularly, but they can't figure out that at one of the busiest subways stations in the system on the day of a Red Sox game, they could probably use more options for selling tokens than one slow fat man.

Then, of course, once through the token line, it was 15 minutes till a train came, when one came it was an E train that didn't go to Fenway, and the thing creaked along at 2 miles an hour the whole way. Finally just got out and walked.

Hosed again!

2006-05-06T14:04:00.000-04:00

My wife has done it again. Heard some great and wondrous product advertised on the radio, and gone and shelled out 30 bucks for it, and left it for me to deal with it being a piece of shit.

This time it was this wondrous Liquid Lime she heard advertised on her garden god Paul Parent's show. So your lawn can be greener in two days rather than five. Never mind that our lawn is half dirt anyways. Of course it's obvious to me and anyone with a cynical bone in their body that behind every product hyped on any radio talk show is some type of payola deal.

So the stuff comes in this jug, with this little flimsy hose end adapter. The directions on the jug are completely unintelligible. Sort of tells you what area it should cover, but makes no mention of how the "convenient hose end adapter" works or how much to spray in any one place. And the adapter is a complete piece of shit. It doesn't even have a full set of hose threads to hold it on the hose. Just these little grooves, that barely hold it, even if you don't turn the water on or move the thing around at all. Turn the water on and it squirts out the back end all over you. After about a dozen tries, I finally got it to hold and not leak too much. I very cautiously made it through about half the back lawn, and then the piece of shit adapter let loose and soaked me all over. And it hadn't even used barely any of the stuff in the jug, so it doesn't seem like it was even mixing right.

I have no idea if the product in the jug is any good or not. Of course the wife will tell me to go spend another 30 bucks on a garden sprayer and apply it that way, but the fact that they would sell the shit as "just attach to your hose and spray" when you can't even get it to stay attached to your fucking hose, makes it more likely it will just be returned to the store. Actually it will probably end up stuck in the corner of the garage with all the other useless crap we've bought that doesn't work.

Too busy to Blog

2006-05-04T20:33:00.000-04:00

Sorry I've been slacking off on my blog the last couple weeks. I'm just crazy busy. I was even too crazy busy last night to catch Channel 7's (or it might have been 25 or 56-they are all the same) sure to be serious hard hitting report on people whose lives are crazy busy.

Contractors Suck

2006-04-24T19:33:00.000-04:00

Our house is a money pit, and a magnet for bad contractors. We've owned it for about eight years. Put about as much money into it as we originally paid for it, and still aren't finished. We've hired at least two of the worst contractors in the Boston area, had to threaten to sue one in order to get enough money back to fix all the shit he fucked up. And now that we finally have gotten the fat fuck to give us some money back, we now have to find someone that we can trust to do the next phase of the job. Of course now we don't trust ANYONE.

The next phase involves reshingling the entire house. Over the last couple weeks, I've gotten quotes and time estimates from several contractors. One estimates that the job will take two weeks. Another estimates that the job will take three months. Now what am I supposed to do with that fucking information. Two weeks sounds like they will ship in a whole crew of illegal aliens, who will madly rip the house apart & throw up the shingles, about as good as the fuckhead who did them the first time. Three months seems to work out to about $100 per shingle.

This is the case with everything. After getting screwed so bad the last time, I research everything to death. Every builder who comes out, I ask more or less the same questions. Every one answers them differently. Every one tells me that the guy who told me something different doesn't know what he's talking about.

What's a poor homeowner to do, but learn how to do everything himself, so he doesn't have to live at the mercy of these assholes.

What we've got here is failure to communicate

2006-04-18T08:47:00.000-04:00

Cell phones suck. I friggin hate talking on them. For some reason lately, everyone has been calling me on the cellphone. And there just always seems to be a disconnect in the communications. There is like a time lag or something, that is just enough to screw up the timing of the conversation. I start to talk. But they had already started to talk. Then we both stop, because we think we are interrupting the other. Or worse, we both talk louder to try to take control of the conversation. Then there is a dead spot, and you miss a vital piece of information. It's just a friggin mess. Call me on the god damn land line next time.

4/19 UPDATE: Here's a technological explaination of what I'm talking about, and why people shout on cellphones.

Stupid Warning Labels

2006-04-15T22:32:00.000-04:00

I'm being a cranky Easter Bunny right now. I'm sitting here with a couple dozen Play-Doh easter eggs, and they are annoying in so many ways.

First, each one is tightly shrink-wrapped, so I have to sit here with a steak knife unwrapping each one. Why everything has to be sealed that thoroughly is beyond me. And nothing bugs me more than plastic wrapped in plastic.

Second, there is this little white sticker warning label on each one (of course it had to be printed in three languages, but don't get me started on that!) Didn't pay much attention at first, but then I read what it said: Notice to Parents: Contains Wheat.

Now the people who scolded me when I griped about peanut free schools will probably point out that there are kids with wheat allergies. But it's fucking Play-Doh! If little Junior decides to eat it, I'm sure there are a lot worse things in it than fucking wheat!

And by the way, we are using Play-Doh Easter eggs in the first place because my diabetic nephew will be here, and we are being correctly sensitive by not putting candy in them.

Now when I was a kid, the Easter Bunny only hid real eggs, but that's another issue.

Yikes, my kid's a Yankee

2006-04-14T12:47:00.000-04:00

It was bad enough when I accidentally bought my 5 year old son (that is NOT him in the picture) a Derek Jeter glove. Now I find out that his first T-Ball team is The Yankees. How can anybody in Greater Boston do that to a kid that is in training to be a lifelong Red Sox fan. If peanuts are banned in schools, shouldn't the name Yankees be banned from youth sports in Greater Boston as well? For psychological reasons.

I mean, I just had to explain to the kid why I had to take down his Johnny Damon poster. It's not like he was crushed or anything, but he has been to Fenway, he understands that we root for the Red Sox, and that we root against the Yankees.

He knows that electrical sockets, smoking, and The Yankees are all bad, so he is old enough to question why his team is called the Yankees, when the Yankees are bad. And he's not completely buying my explanation that only the New York Yankees are bad.

Apparently the coach is a Yankees fan, and actually requested that his team be the Yankees. The final game of the season is going to be The Yankees against The Red Sox, and I'm going to have to be out there yelling Go Yankees!. Now, I don't want to be one of those bad sports parents already, but this is just wrong.

Stop coloring your email

2006-04-13T08:38:00.000-04:00

I hate colored email. I'm not talking about HTML email from businesses (that is covered under spam). I'm talking about the kind from your Aunt Betty, who knows nothing about computers, and certainly nothing about graphic design, but still can figure out how to change the text of an email to green, and the background to some awful flower image. She can also choose the tackiest true type font (say Mistral) and put the whole letter in that for good measure.

Just stop it.

Emails should just be typed in one basic font. No crazy colors or fonts, or fucking italics. I know of no graphic designers who design the type in their emails. Get yourself a blog for your cat, and then you can use all the tacky fonts, ugly clip art, and silly background images you want and the other cat lovers will think they are great.

OK, now I've offended all cat people.

Wipeout

2006-04-11T12:55:00.000-04:00

My wife is wipe happy. Not being near as cynical as me, she pretty much falls for any new kind of product marketing scam that comes about. You must have noticed the proliferation of wipes. They are the outgrowth of the moist towelettes that you used to get after eating ribs or something. Now they are everywhere. Any product that you used to be able to buy in a spray bottle and then use with a cloth or paper towel, can now be purchased as a "wipe" Essentially they are presoaked paper towels.

The above photograph clearly demonstrates wipe madness. This is from a web site called PetSafe that sells pet products. They have 10 different types of pet-specific wipes including ear wipes, eye wipes, toothpaste wipes, muddy paws wipes, rabbit & small animal wipes, top and tail wipes etc. If you own an animal, I guess you must get them all, because it just wouldn't be right to wipe Fido's tail with the same product you are wiping his ears with. And you certainly wouldn't want to wipe his teeth with the same thing you wipe his eyes with. Yuk.

In my house it all started with baby wipes (Note that like Colgate, there are many different flavors). We went through thousands, and yes, they were pretty convenient. But now we have Windex wipes, Murphy's wipes. Pledge wipes, Lysol wipes, Clorox wipes, Stainless steel cleaning wipes, 409 wipes, Armor-All wipes, and probably 20 other kinds of wipes.

I'm not even sure why they suck. They are really very convenient, I guess. It's much easier to grab a Windex wipe than to grab the Windex and a roll of paper towels. The main reason they suck has to do with my natural suspicion that these companies are making a killing on them. A package of Windex wipes costs as much as a bottle of Windex, and although I haven't done any scientific research to prove this, I would bet a bundle that there is a hell of a lot less than a bottle of Windex used to make a package of Windex wipes. So where does all the money saved go? Right into the companies pockets, no doubt.

The other reason they suck, is that while the first couple out of the package work fine, by the time you get past halfway, they are always too dried out to work. So now you end up throwing out half of the already overpriced package. And I'd love to know exactly what the difference in ingredients is between doggie ear wipes, and doggie tail wipes. They are probably all just dipped in water, anyways.

Then we have something that is even more ridiculous, called Swiffer wipes. Essentially it is a package of throw-away dust clothes. Of course my wife snapped these up too, because its just so much easier to grab a nice soft static free cloth out of a box, than to go get a rag out of the basement when you need to dust. And then you can just throw it away when you are done.

4/15 UPDATE
More wipe madness today. I have to vent to you my dear readers, because the wife gets mad at me when I point of the ridiculousness of this shit to her.

So I'm cleaning off the patio furniture in time for Easter. Using the old-fashioned method: a sponge and a pail of soapy water. It's working perfectly fine. Until my wife comes home from the store. "Oh, hold on. Look what I got." Fuck no! A $5.00 can of Outdoor Patio Furniture Wipes. Another $5.00 for 1 ounce of some soapy liquid soaked into paper towels. Don't you know I just this week wrote a 500 word essay of why wipes suck! No thanks. I'll stick with the sponge.

Then tonight: "Can you help clean the appliances?" And out come the Stainless Steel Wipes. Of course they are too dried out to work, even though the package is still half full. But she just happened to have bought a new one when she bought the Patio Furniture Wipes. Another 5 bucks. So into the trash go the dried up, half full can, and out come the brand new package. Might as well use them liberally, because by the time we need them again, they will all be dried up anyways.

Age of Misinformation

2006-04-07T21:21:00.000-04:00

I have fits every time I try to research anything online. Do enough research and you'll find 10 different answers to whatever the question you have is. You'll end up more confused than when you started. We've been doing a lot of renovation work on our house recently. Nothing is more maddening. You can't get a definitive answer on anything. Who are all these bogus "experts" anyways.

Here are two simple remodeling questions I'm trying to get a definitive answer to online:

Can I use a solid stain over paint?

Answer 1a: Cabot tech support says I can use a solid stain over paint with no problem (no need to strip first) and they say the stain should last longer than the paint.

Answer 1b: If you cannot get all the paint off, sand off as much as practical and then apply two thin coats of A SOLID color latex stain. it can peel, but will resist pealing more than paint will.

Answer 2a: You can always stain or paint over a stain, but you can never stain over paint.

Answer 2b: You cannot stain over paint.

If we want to reside our house with cedar shingles, is it better to use red cedar or white cedar?

Answer 1: Red cedar is a much better product because it contains all vertical grains. The Easter white cedar has mixed grains and is more prone to cupping.

Answer 2: White Cedar is the best material to make shingles.

I really shouldn't pick on the internet, because the same thing can be said of live contractors. I've probably talked with at least ten different contractors, and I don't think I've gotten the same answer out of any of them. Someday I'll do a whole post on remodeling and contractors. Heck, with what we've been through the past two years, I could do a whole blog on contractors sucking. I just can't get started on it, because it makes me very ill.

How 'bout a war on drug ads

2006-04-05T07:40:00.000-04:00

How can a country that locks people up behind bars for smoking a weed, allow drug companies to peddle every conceivable type of pill for every real or imagined condition to everyone from preschoolers to alcoholics. These ads are everywhere. A dozen or so in just about every magazine you pick up. During every TV show. It's the equivalent of peddling drugs on the streetcorner.

Instead of relying on doctors to advise their patients on what might be an appropriate medication, the drug companies now go right to the consumers. So the same people that are deciding that they are taking their family to McDonald's for the third night this week, and buying Coke by the gallon because the ad on TV told them to, are now deciding that their kid has ADD, and they need to get him some Concerta.

Sure they have to get a doctor's prescription, but I doubt that's very tough once they have decided themselves what it is they need. Kids are driving me nuts. They must have ADD. Let's call the doc and get a prescription. Popping a pill into your kids these days is just like giving them a Flintstones vitamin.

And what is with these names for drugs. They are all these made-up feel-good, focus group-tested bullshit names: Lipitor, Concerta, Levitra, Paxil, Zoloft...

These ads are crap, and should be banned. Doctors, not marketers, should be educating their patients. For you Republicans big on the free market, consider that a good deal of this stuff is no doubt marketed to people on government assistance who watch Dr. Phil, so it is ultimately being paid for by you.

Roll Over Ed Murrow

2006-04-04T19:30:00.000-04:00

So Katie Couric is going to become anchor of the CBS Evening News. One more step toward the cellar for television news. Obviously CBS learned nothing from the Connie Chung debacle of a dozen years ago. Success as a ditzy early morning infotainment show host, doesn't translate to success as anchor of a network newscast. Not that the network newscast is what it used to be, but whatever form the "newscast" ultimately takes, Katie certainly is not the answer.

What is the audience for a 6:30 PM newscast anyways? If anybody is watching TV at that hour, it would seem to me to be more likely someone of Bob Schieffer's generation, than someone wanting to watch Katie Couric. I'm somewhat of a news junkie, and I can't remember the last time I've seen more than five minutes of a network newscast. I'm lucky if I can get settled by 8:00 in time to watch Olbermann.

If I watch any, it is generally NBC. Brian Williams is about as bland as Wonder Bread, yet still somehow fits in the anchor chair, and carries on the tradition of the network news about as good as is possible these days. The little I've seen of CBS since What's the Frequecy Kenneth left, it seemed that at least Schieffer was watchable, and carried some of the authority of what was once the most respected news business in the world. Why CBS didn't replace Rather with Schieffer a decade ago, I don't get. Rather was just friggin weird. And all I know about Elizabeth Vargas at ABC, is that her face bugs me too much to watch. She always looks pained.

Katie would be fine to go up against Diane Sawyer or Bawbwa Wawa on the prime time crime and celebrity watch shows like 48 hours and 20/20. Those shows have already given up the right to be called news shows. That's the league she's in. She may even be slightly more tolerable than either of Diane or Bawbwa. But CBS News? Any of these proposed reinventions of the news will surely fail, and further tarnish what little is left of the network's reputation as a news business.

Bad Hair Day

2006-03-31T13:44:00.000-05:00

Friday is my day home with the kids (a 3-1/2 year old and a 5 year old). By now I've pretty much mastered most of the Mr. Mom stuff. I no longer have to call my wife every 10 minutes to ask what shoes they wear, what they eat for lunch, or where their coats are kept.

Its amazing how I can run a business, manage my finances, my computer system, and a dozen high-maintenance clients, and be so overwhelmed managing two little kids one day a week. I mean, I never did any REAL dumb dad things like forget one of them in the car, or leave them in the baby seat on the roof. But it was pretty rough for a while.

But the one thing I still just can't get a handle on is my daughter's hair. My wife has all kinds if barrettes and hairbands and little rubber band thingies that she uses on her, and can fix her up so she's the cutest kid on the block. On the days I have her, she looks like Tom Petty after a bad night. I spent 20 minutes today just trying to figure out how to get a barrette to stay in her hair. Nothing worked. Its just something a guy can't do. Almost got the hairband to work, until the little darling rips it out yelling "I don't WANT that one."

Well fine, darling. Then you're going out in public looking just like this.

Packaging Madness

2006-03-29T11:48:00.000-05:00

I just ordered a new camera. Through the miracle of the internet/delivery-industry complex, it arrived barely 24 hours after I ordered it via Amazon. Camera arrived in a reasonable sized box, and cost something like $13 for delivery. Small price to pay since the camera cost me $40 less than anywhere else I saw it.

But I also ordered a memory card from a separate vendor. Again, I shopped around and got a super good deal, so I didn't grumble that much about paying $6 for delivery of a $9 item. It's all relative.

But check this picture out. See the little blue spec at the bottom of the box. That is the memory card (1" x 1.25" x 1/32") resting against the box it came in. (12" x 9" x 8")

That's just packaging craziness.

At least it wasn't filled with styrofoam peanuts. That really would have pissed me off.

This could turn into a really long post on this subject, but I just don't have the time right now. My son's birthday isn't too far away, and that might be a better time to get into the whole broader issue of packaging madness. Nothing is nuttier than the way kids toys are packaged.

House of Card

2006-03-28T13:03:00.000-05:00

So Bush's Chief of Staff Andrew Card resigned today. Can somebody tell me what this guy did anyways? You never heard him talk. Most Chief of Staffs are much more visible, aren't they? The only thing I ever remember him being personally involved in was interrupting Bush while he was reading My Pet Goat on September 11.

Karl Rove was supposedly the Deputy Chief of Staff, but you certainly heard a lot more about him.

That seems to be the way the Bush Administration works.

Andrew Card was Chief of Staff, but Karl Rove is really Chief of Staff

Bush is President, but Cheney is really President.

Rumsfeld is Secretary of Defense, but the "brains" (term used VERY loosely) behind the Iraq war was really his deputy Paul Wolfowitz.

It's kinda like the Wizard of Oz, huh. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

Trailer trash neighbors

2006-03-28T08:05:00.000-05:00

We live in a very economically mixed town outside of Boston. Bought a house here about eight years ago, and have put a ton of time and money into fixing it up. It's a nice neighborhood of older houses, in very mixed architectural styles. The houses across the street are big Tudor style houses. About 100 years old. They are worth about a million bucks each.

Out our back door (which is our main entrance, and where we spend most of the time) is a 1970s style raised ranch. It hasn't been painted in 20 years. There are big piles of discarded lumber in the front yard. A couple partially dismantled cars sit in the dirt driveway. There is one of those plastic garages for the "good" car. A couple big piles of dirt with weeds growing out of them are on either side of the yard. Four trash cans sit outside the FRONT door. Until recently when the kids were out of diapers, the Diaper Genie sat on the front step.

There are four generations that live in this house. A nice old lady, a next generation couple that must be either her son or daughter (this seems to be the skankiest generation). A young couple that must be their daughter and her husband. And two little kids, just about the age of ours.

They have a pool in the back yard, and about 50 people come over nearly every weekend in the summer—they must have the best house in their circle of friends. They have one of those extra large blue plastic tarps that they make a tent out of. It usually goes up in the back yard around Memorial Day, and stays there till the first snow in the winter brings it down.

They are always friendly to us, and we are cordial to them. Even invited us to a couple of their parties. We dropped in once, just to be neighborly. It was very frightening. There were about 100 people in the back yard under the blue tarp. It looked like a block party at a trailer park in Kentucky. We left very quickly. We felt like The Keatons dropping in on The Bundys.

Or remember the episode of The Simpsons where the neighbors were trying to sell their house, and the prospective buyers looked out the window just in time to see Homer, laying in a kiddie pool, looking for the hot dog he dropped in the water. "Oh there you are". Picture that scene.

So this brings up many questions and dilemmas.

How do we teach our kids to not be judgmental, and that all people are created equal, when we go out of our way to avoid contact with this family.

How do we tactfully ask if they could at least keep their trash cans outside their BACK door.

When did we turn into yuppie snobs?

What the hell is going to happen when the old lady kicks the bucket? Will even more of the extended family move in?

If all the neighbors chipped in, how much would it take to get them to sell their house.

What kind of tall bushy trees can we get, that will fill out very quickly, that we can plant in the back corner of our yard, so we can block the view of their house from our deck.

How come I get nothing but porn, when I type "trailer trash" into Google Image Search. Oh great, now I'm gonna be in the top list of hits on Google for trailer trash porn.

Anybody want a Derek Jeter glove?

2006-03-26T20:10:00.000-05:00

I just realized I accidentally bought my son a Derek Jeter baseball glove. Pulled it out of the Toys R Us clearance bin last Fall, and didn't even look at it that closely until yesterday. Was like $7, so I just grabbed it. He starts T-Ball in a couple weeks, and obviously as a lifelong Red Sox fan, I can't send the kid out on the field with a fucking Derek Jeter glove. What are they doing selling a Derek Jeter glove in Massachusetts anyway? You think they are selling Curt Shilling gloves in the Bronx?

While I'm at it, I also have a 2006 Red Sox calendar that I'll throw in. Has a Johnny Damon month, a Mark Bellhorn month, an Edgar Renteria month, and a Bill Mueller month.

At least I didn't buy the Patriots calendar with Adam Vinatieri on the cover.

Disposable everything

2006-03-26T13:45:00.000-05:00

I just went shopping for a new digital camera today. The LCD window on my two year old one broke, and it's not worth fixing. Nothing is worth fixing these days. Two years is about the maximum life expectancy of anything electronic. Either it breaks, and costs more to fix than its worth, or it just becomes obsolete. Cameras, cell phones, DVD players. Anything.

I don't know how many DVD and CD players I've gone through over the years. They just stop working, and it always costs more to fix than a new one costs. I don't even look into fixing these things anymore. I just buy a new one. Throw the old one away. More junk for the landfill.

I have a brief guilty conscious about adding more junk to the landfill, some nightmare flashes of humans being crushed out of existence by piles of dead electronics, and then just heave it. Go to Best Buy and buy another one.

It doesn't even pay to buy a good one anymore. Even the good die young. If its gonna die or become obsolete in a year, I might as well just buy the cheap one to begin with, and act like I'm just leasing it for a couple years. At the end of its two year lease, I'll just get another one. Horrible attitude, but that seems to be life in the electronic aisle.

Please. No. Anything but this.

2006-03-25T20:40:00.000-05:00

Happened to see this cover about the same time I flipped past a screaming Al Gore on CSPAN. I wish this guy would just go away. Go home and eat some more donuts. He pops back every now and then like he's some shadow president. Always in a new form that is more annoying than his old form.

It was bad enough when he was a stiff pre-programmed drone. Now he's turned into a fat, freaky, screaming, kinda scary lunatic. If you can stand to listen, what he is saying might be true. It might even be what Democrats should have been saying for the past five years. But the trouble is nobody can stand to listen to the guy.

All the Democrats need is another way to self-destruct in '08. They already have Hillary and Howard Dean to help them do that. They even have John Kerry waiting in the wings if they need another option.

I still hold Gore responsible for this whole mess we find ourselves in. Only he could have lost to this imbecile we have as our President in the first place. Bush is probably the most unqualified, incompetent and dangerous President in the history of the country. And this guy lost to him. With that on his shoulders, no wonder he is acting like a freak.

Just go away, Al. Your party is just apt to do something stupid like nominate you again in '08

My blog may be stupid, but it's not spam

2006-03-24T09:32:00.000-05:00

Hey, this sucks. I just went to do a post and got this message saying my blog has been identified as a "spam blog":

Blogger's spam-prevention robots have detected that your blog has characteristics of a spam blog. Since you're an actual person reading this, your blog is probably not a spam blog. Automated spam detection is inherently fuzzy, and we sincerely apologize for this false positive.

I wonder what those characteristics are: indiscriminate whining about something trivial? Hey, that's what most blogs are, aren't they? Actually there seem to be four general types of blogs:

The aforementioned whiners, of which my blog is a good example.

Right-wing nut job blogs. Anyone who is still defending Bush and Cheney, and uses the term "the liberal media" in nearly every sentence.

Loonie left-wing blogs. Lots of big words, much hostility, very little humor, and a link to moveon.org.

The get-a-life blogs, who focus on the minutiae of a particular video game, reality show, or washed-up rock star.

Well at least Blogger considers me an "actual person".

Adam and Leave; Arroyo and Out

2006-03-22T09:00:00.000-05:00

I know this is the reality of modern sports, but will there ever be another Boston sports hero that finishes his career in Boston?

Adam Vinatieri and Bronson Arroyo aren't really comparable, but losing both this week is hard to take. Adam, more than anybody besides maybe Tom Brady symbolizes the absolute best of times in Boston sports. His clutch kicks in the Snowbowl, never mind winning field goals in two Super Bowls cemented his reputation as a Boston sports hero for all ages. Any now he''s gone. Can't blame him, really. He's unquestionably the best kicker in the game, and should be paid like it. In the scheme of things, kickers don't make that much anyway, so the Patriots should have come up with whatever it took to keep him. Sure, Belichick has proven that nobody is irreplaceable, but isn't there still some room for sentimentality in sports?

Bronson proved why Vinatieri was right to follow the money. He didn't. He placed love of the city of Boston and the Red Sox above his agent's advice, and his own best interests both financially and career wise. He'll be better off as the number two starter in Cinncinnati than in the bullpen for the Red Sox, but Bronson was just a Boston guy. I can't think of any recent Red Sox player (or really any professional athlete), that you really felt liked being in Boston as much as Bronson. He really seemed to be a part of the city. Tom Brady is still more Southern California than he is Boston. You truly believed Bronson loved this town, and there aren't many others you could say that about.

Both of these moves may be in the best interest of the teams' futures, but both of these moves suck for the sports sentimentalist in me.

FAQ About Tip Jar Etiquette

2006-03-20T13:33:00.000-05:00

Generally I'm not completely opposed to the concept of the tip jar. I freely choose to spend $1.79 for my grande coffee every morning rather than making a cup of Maxwell House before I leave the house. So throwing the extra 21 cents to the barista doesn't make me extra cranky. They usually give me good service.

But there are many questions and personal conflicts that the development of the tip jar has brought up.

If I order my coffee from the barista, but a cashier rings me up, who gets my tip?

What if the barista is a bitch today, but the cashier very courteous. How do I specify that only the cashier should get my 21 cents?

Is Big Coffee Corporation actually getting my tip, because they are paying their workers less figuring the tip is now a part of their wages, like most restaurants do with their waitstaff?

If the bill comes to $2.25, and I decide I want to get rid of one of the quarters in my pocket, rather than breaking a $20, do I now look like a cheap guy?

How come there are so many bills in the tip jar? Is that where things are going next?

Am I supposed to wait for the cashier to give me the change back so I can put it in the tip jar myself, or can I just say "it's all set?"

If I do the latter, do I seem like I'm only giving a tip because I don't feel like waiting (which may be the case).

If there are only 2 cents coming back, and the cashier is slow, then I really feel foolish waiting for her to give me back the 2 cents so that I can throw in the tip jar, don't I?

Say the bill comes to $2.05. Do I give a 46% tip for a cup of coffee? Do I give nothing? Do I drop in some of the change but secretly hold a couple quarters in my hand to keep?

If I know the bill is going to come to $2.05, do I pull out a $20, so it's easier to walk away with the change.

I suppose using the tip jar as the "take a penny dish" is in bad form.

We go to a local diner for breakfast quite often. It's a place where you leave the tip on the table, and pay the bill at the cash register. But there is a tip jar at the cash register. Am I expected to tip the cashier just for taking my money?

Classic Bowling

2006-03-19T20:55:00.000-05:00

Want further proof that there are too many channels on cable? ESPN's Classic Bowling. The thrillfest I surfed by was some bowling match from 1999. Who would watch this? Bowling on TV alone is pretty dubious. The idea of reruns of old sporting events, other than maybe a Super Bowl or a particular memorable World Series game is also pretty boring. OK, I'll admit to torturing myself by watching Game 6 of the 1986 World Series a couple times on ESPN Classic. But Classic Bowling? What percentage of my monthly cable bill is allowing me to watch this?

Peanut-free Schools

2006-03-16T21:29:00.000-05:00

Poor Mr. Peanut. He's been busted by the PC police.

We just found out that our kids' new pre-school is peanut-free. No PBJ sandwiches (our kids favorites). No crackers with peanut butter. I don't know if they are going to read the ingredients on granola bars and such to make sure there are no peanuts or peanut oil in them, but the school is a peanut-free zone.

I hadn't even heard of such a thing until a friend mentioned it a few months ago. I just laughed at the time. "You gotta be kidding me!" Well looks like the concept has gone mainstream. Seems like a pretty nutty concept to me. Something like 2% of kids are allergic to peanuts so you're gonna ban them from school? This is kind of stuff that makes liberals look like such nut-jobs.

What's next: cheese-free schools?

Does Jim Braude really drink Carnation Instant Breakfast?

2006-03-15T13:48:00.000-05:00

Isn't it funny how talk radio hosts in Boston just happen to have such personal feel-good relationships with their advertisers?

I like to listen to Eagan and Braude on WTKK while driving around at lunch time. Today, I get in the car and turn on the radio to hear what the topic is. Jim is all fired up about something. Some liberal crusade? Some sleazy politician? Nope. He's all excited about Carnation Instant Breakfast. He goes on for almost two minutes about how he drinks it every morning, and how it provides all he needs to start off his day. He couldn't live without it. He's not just reading ad copy, he's telling you something he really believes in, just as if it were a topic on his show.

On the way home, I learn that Michael Graham gets his carpets cleaned by Kennedy Carpet Cleaners. He tells us about how much he's learned about carpet cleaning techniques while rapping with the guys cleaning the carpets at his house. They even call him by name. "Hey Michael, this is how we get those carpets so clean. Come take a look."

And I've heard many times from Mike Barnicle about his "good buddies" at Lexington Toyota. He can talk for two minutes about how great these guys are. It's like getting a personal testimonial from your next door neighbor about Vinny at the corner service station, and what a great job he does on your car.

It's all such bullshit. I mean, obviously all advertising is bullshit, but this somehow crosses the line. These are guys people supposedly listen to because they are talking to you straight. Exposing corrupt politicians, or bad government policies. Yet in the next breath, in the very same voice and schtik as on their shows, they are selling you some completely bullshit testimonial about a product they've probably never used. They are all ad-libbed and delivered in first-person to sound just like the show.

I don't place a ton of authority in any of these guys, but Braude is pretty smart. Doesn't it take away a bit from his credibility to hear him segue so smoothly from a passionate defense of some liberal issue like gay marriage to a faux-passionate sales job for why he can't live without Carnation Instant Breakfast?

911 Calls

2006-03-15T10:08:00.000-05:00

Why do we have to hear the 911 call for every fatal accident, or other tragic incident that happens? What does that add to the public discourse?

This morning Channel 7 (of course Channel 7, although no doubt the other stations did it too) felt it was newsworthy to play the 911 call of the little 12 year old boy that was killed crossing the street in Bridgewater. I changed the station. I have two little kids. I don't need to hear that crap that does nothing but sensationalize this poor family's tragedy.

They are just shameless.

My clients are driving me crazy today

2006-03-14T18:00:00.000-05:00

Note to client with attached image: They may not have the frame we wanted in the right resolution. They are checking. This is an alternate shot that they do have. Do you like this shot OK?

Client: Can we use this photo larger? I am not happy with the size it is in this e-mail. Really doesn't give you a bang for the buck. What if I find a photo in a gardening book. Can you scan and use with credit to book? Call the publisher for permission?

Client friendly note I sent back: Yes, it will be a full page like on the previous comp. That's as big as I have it right now. Just for you to see the image.

Note I wish I could send back: You moron. How long have you been doing this job? This is a low res version in an email for you to approve the fucking photo of the pretty flower. Do you like the pretty flower photo, or do you hate the pretty flower photo? That's all I'm asking. I have to buy the photo in the right size, once you tell me its OK. Of course its going to be bigger than this. Do you want me to email you the 35 megabyte file, so you can see? How come you didn't ask me if it was going to have words across it in the magazine. And no, I'm not scanning a photo out of your fucking gardening book.

This is why my blog is semi-anonymous

Land of the Caretaker Governors

2006-03-14T07:53:00.000-05:00

Raise your hands if you really believe Mitt Romney isn't running for President. He just came in second in the first 2008 straw poll, and has been on a national tour trashing Massachusetts for the past year. Come on. Mitt only came back from Utah to run for Governor, because he saw an easy victory, and a great platform to run for President.

Jane Swift was a joke. She was only governor because Paul Cellucci got bored of the job halfway through his first full term, and rode off to become Ambassador to Canada. Cellucci only became Governor because Bill Weld got bored of the job before him. And they kept winning elections just because the Democrats kept serving up horrible candidates (as they are well on their way to doing again) and making the case for divided government every day by their actions in the State House. Hey, I even voted for all of these guys.

If you are in favor of term limits, then the Massachusetts governor's office is your kind of place. Want your candidate to take a pledge to serve only two terms? How bout a pledge just to finish one term?

It's been this way ever since Bill Weld rode into the Governor's office in the Silber Shocker filled election of 1990. At least Weld, Cellucci, and even Swift made some attempt to act interested in the job for a while. Despite his transparent denials, Mitt has been running for President since the day he announced he was running for Governor.

Maybe this time we can elect someone who really wants to be Governor of Massachusetts.

Blogs that look like mine

2006-03-12T22:57:00.001-05:00

So I think it's about time I learned how to design an original blog template. Anybody who looks at many blogs has probably seen at least a few dozen that look like mine (minus the thumb, which I managed to modify).

This is especially true since my blog was featured a couple weeks ago on Designers Who Blog, and I still have many visitors who come from there. I probably don't have too much credibility with the design community when my blog design is just a stock Blogger template— albeit a pretty well designed one.

It's very much like stock photography. I try to discourage my own print design clients from using royalty-free stock art for just this reason. The image that they cheap out on to represent their happy and satisfied customers, could easily end up in a competitor's ad to represent their happy and satisfied customers. Or worse yet, end up in a porn site or some other embarrassing place.

On that note, as I was searching for an entertaining example to use as the image for this post, it suddenly became much funnier. My first random hit on a site in Blogger that looked like mine was the above hard-core gay porn blog.

My only excuse, fellow designers, is that as a print designer, my web design skills are limited. I know it's probably not rocket science, but I just don't technically know where to begin to design my own template yet. I'll figure it out someday, but blogging alone is very much distracting me from my paying work, so you'll just have to bear with this cheap stock template for a while longer.

Hovering Moms

2006-03-10T14:21:00.000-05:00

Took my 4 year old daughter to her little gymnastics class at the YMCA today. We're not training her to be the next Olga Korbot or anything. Its just a little something to do with her and her brother on Dad's day off.

There is one Mom whose son is in both her class, and my son's sports jam class, that just hovers over her poor kid for the whole class. She sits with her eyes transfixed to him. The second he steps out of line, she is out there to help him. Then she parks herself about 5 feet away, and about every 30 seconds, pops up to help him, or put him back in line, or tell him what to do. All the other kids are out there with the teacher on their own and doing fine. And he would be too, if his Mom would just let him be. And not to start picking on 3 year-olds, but she had this poor kid dressed like Todd and Lisa Lubner. Sweat pants pulled up almost to his chest.

I see a lot of this behavior actually. My sister, and a couple of my friends' wives behave the same way. They are in their kids' faces constantly. Sure its good they are attentive to their kids, but you have to give them some room to learn things for themselves. Once you have kids you start to see all kinds of examples of bad parenting. Not just the obvious things like Britney driving with her kid on her lap. Some of this parental behavior on the opposite extreme is nearly as bad.

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in

2006-03-09T22:48:00.000-05:00

So just in time for the Sopranos return on Sunday, I had to up the cable bill to near $100 bucks a month. That's just nuts. We cancelled HBO last year since we weren't really watching it that much, and the cable bill was getting ridiculous. Only ended up saving about $14 a month. In the year since, the cable bill has crept back up to almost where it was. Today I call to see how much its going to cost to add it back, and after a 3 month "special offer" it's $26 bucks a month to add HBO. So $14 a month to cancel it. $26 a month to get it back. What's the deal with that!

Dope with a Capital C

2006-03-09T09:41:00.000-05:00

Just had to call Capital One because my credit card had expired, and they never sent me a new one. Chances are they sent it, and I threw it out because nearly every day, I get some new credit card offer in the mail from them, and I just tear it in half and throw it away.

But that's not what I'm complaining about.

The person on the phone sounded like she never finished the third grade. I'd rather speak to someone in India with a brain, than to speak to some home grown idiot. How can a big company such as Capital One have people answer their phones that can't even speak. You know after the first two words out of their mouths that you are in trouble. And this isn't one of those right-wing rants about learning to speak English. She had no discernible accent other than moron-ese.

So she tells me they will send me out a new one because that one must be lost in the mail. I ask her "Well, will it have the same number?" "Yes" "What if someone finds the lost one. Won't they be able to use it?" That question totally stumped her, but she moved on to attempt to read me the script to sell me some new service (although I couldn't understand what it was) I didn't need.

You know, I've dealt with this company before, and I'm tired of them. I just got an Apple credit card that has a lower rate anyways, and so far at least they've been courteous and able to speak when I've had to deal with them. From now on I'm using that one for everything, until that bank pisses me off.

Lost in the supermarket

2006-03-08T00:01:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wonder why every drug store is a superstore now? It's because we have 20 different kinds of Colgate. Right next to 15 different kinds of Crest. Next to 50 other brands of toothpaste in a dozen flavors each.

And that's only the toothpaste aisle. Then there is the deodorant aisle. I like one kind of deodorant. The kind that's a gel, but not a liquid gel. Sort of a hard gel. But I can go to the CVS, stand there for ten minutes, looking at 500 kinds of deodorant, and still not find the one I'm looking for. See. I'm adding to the problem, because I have to have just the right kind of deodorant. I guess there are people out there who support each of the other 499 variations too.

And what about the cold medicine aisle. Must be 20 kinds of Robitussin alone. One for each possible symptom: cough, sneezing, congestion, sore throat. Then one with every combination of two symptoms. Then one with all the symptoms. Then each of those possible options in Cherry. Then the generic versions. CVSTussin in all the same options. So you stand there thinking. Well, I have sniffles and a cough, but I don't really have a sore throat. Where's the version for that? Oh, fuck it, just buy the one that covers everything, and get me out of this place!

It's nuts.

You know what causes this. Same thing that causes all the other ills of consumerism. Marketing! It's a thing called shelf-space. If there are more kinds of Colgate, then Colgate will take up more space in the aisle than Crest. And if you walk in and see more Colgate, then chances are you are going to walk out with Colgate. Why do you think I buy Robitussin? Because you walk into the cold aisle, and all you see is fuckin Robitussin.

So this is why the CVS is now as big as the supermarket was when I was a kid. And why the supermarket is the size of football stadium.

Fucking marketing.

[marketing] [products] [society] [suburbia]

The Apprentice has Jumped the Shark

2006-03-07T07:44:00.000-05:00

Many of you will find it odd that I ever liked The Apprentice, but for some reason I did. I ragged on my wife when she wanted to watch the very first episode, then became hooked on it. It's the only reality show I've ever watched other than the original Real World. And even back when I was REALLY an anti-business liberal, there was something about Trump that fascinated me.

So anyway, I've watched just about every episode (except the Martha version that was completely unwatchable). Every year, the formula becomes ever more transparent, yet I kept watching. There was always someone to root for, and someone to root against. In the beginning you actually learned something about business, and it was intriguing to see how really smart people in business made decisions.

But more and more it has just become about The Boardroom. Sure it's scripted as hell, but there was always some intriguing drama that would play out in the boardroom, and it was fun to see how Trump would react to things that unfolded.

But last night, it took me only five minutes to shut it off, and declare that it had jumped the shark. I couldn't even stick around to see how hot Trump's daughter was. It's so clear every year that there are at least a few goons put there by the producers just to annoy people and cause conflict. The fat guy in this episode is obviously the one this time. The show this week immediately devolved into a fight between him, and the obligatory blond bitch. I didn't even hear who was fired. I don't care. OK, I just looked, and it seems two of them were fired, and it was not the fat guy. Guess they need him for more conflict in later episodes.

But its not just the obvious manipulative casting. The tasks have become just stupid blatant ads for whatever client is paying for that week's episode. Trump's intro to the task is just a bad commercial. There is product placement more obvious than on The Price is Right. And the tasks show nothing about the contestants' business skills.

The first year, they would actually have to do tasks that would show how much business savvy they had. It was interesting to watch how things developed, where people made mistakes, where they made smart moves. Last night was some stupid text-messaging ad campaign to sell Gillette razors.

So it's over for The Apprentice. It will have to come off my Guilty Pleasures list. Now I'll have to be subjected by the wife to watching Supernanny. Expect a post on that soon.

Channel 7 is the No News Zone

2006-03-06T11:12:00.000-05:00

Rather than continuing to post about individual reasons why Channel 7 news sucks, I'll point to John Carroll's conclusion on last week's Beat the Press. After a report on Channel 7's recent fascination with stories on the occult, Carroll concluded that "Channel 7 is out of the news business. Carroll is great at getting to the core of issues of media stupidity, one of my favorite topics. Essentially that is the case, although I would argue that every local station except NECN is out of the news business.

They are in the "promote our own shows" business. They are in the "promote fear of everything" business. They are in the "whatever it takes to increase our ratings" business. But they are certainly not in the news business.

UPDATE 3/8

OK, If you need further proof that Channel 7 is out of the news business look no further than political reporter Andy Hiller's hard hitting interview with Gubernatorial candidate Christy Mihos last night. This was pathetic even for Channel 7. Sounded like one of those sarcastic Q&A's in the Improper Bostonian. Expect a report on Boston's Beloved Bartenders to lead the Channel 7 news tonight. How's this for The Hiller Instinct.

Hiller:"What is the correct pronunciation?
Christy Mihos "Actually, Mihos."

"What percentage of people get it right?"
"About 25 percent at best."

"Tell me three words to describe you."
"Tenacious… Oh, can I take that one back? Junkyard dog. That's three. Tenacious and junkyard dog."

"Did you make your millions, or were they given to you?"
"I made them."

"If you were a car, what kind of car would you be?"
"Boy I would really like to be a 1960 Ferrari Spyder convertible."

"If you could have any vanity license plate, what would it say?"
"No tolls."

"What's your favorite saying or quotation?"
"Andrew Jackson: 'One man with courage makes a majority.'"

"What's you favorite movie?"
"Forrest Gump."

"When's the last time you were drunk?"
"The last time I was drunk, I think I had a lot of wine on the millenium that night."

"Ever get high?"
"High, on what?"

"Drugs, marijuana…"
"Yeah, on marijuana. I can't smoke it but…"

"But you can inhale?"
"I can inhale, yeah."

"And when was the last time you inhaled?"
"I think 1972, my senior year in college."

The wise guys are already dismissing Mihos, insisting he can't win, but I'm not convinced. Mihos has money and a message: Politics as unusual. With so many voters here dissatisfied, he could be the next Governor. I'm Andy Hiller, and that's my Instinct.

Blogging the Oscars

2006-03-05T19:40:00.000-05:00

Here's a post of random thoughts while watching the Oscars.

Going into it, here are my thoughts. With two little kids, I don't get out to the movies as often as I used to, although this year, I have seen a decent number of the films nominated. Walk the Line was the best movie I've seen this year, so will root for both Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix, both of whom were awesome. I saw Brokeback Mountain, and thought it was good, but far from great. I really didn't buy the relationships in the film at all. I saw Munich last night, and thought it was good. I saw Crash several months ago, and thought it was pretty good. Certainly better than expected for a Sandra Bullock movie, but I was surprised when I heard it was nominated for Best Picture. I don't know about that. Saw Junebug earlier this week, thought it was a good film, and that Amy Adams was much more worthy of Best Supporting Actress than Michelle Williams in Brokeback.

Hope the show starts soon. I really can't take this mindless interviewing of celebs on the red carpet by dopes.

They aren't gay cowboys, they were hearding sheep. They were fucking shepherds.

Cute intro with all the ex-hosts.

This may be a long night for Jon Stewart.

Nicole Kidman is hot.

How old is Dolly Parton? Should I insert a plastic surgury joke here, or say she still looks amazing.

Funniest moment so far: Will Ferrell and Steve Carell decked out in bad makeup to introduce the makeup category. Runner up: Ben Stiller in green suit sketch.

How come Don Knotts wasn't included in the sequence of stars that died this year. Sure he was mainly a television guy, but there were the classics The Reluctant Astronaut and The Incredible Mr. Limpet. Certainly should have been a mention.

OK, too many lame awards eating up air time. I'm not going to make it to the big ones.

Postscript. I'm really tired of Billy Crystal, so Jon Stewart was a good change, but I think he's going to be a one-termer like Letterman. He seemed to fall kind of flat. Glad Brokeback Mountain didn't win Best Picture. It just wasn't that good. But Crash? Glad to see Reese Witherspoon won Best Actress. Must see Capote soon.

Buying Red Sox Tickets

2006-03-03T14:45:00.000-05:00

I just spent two and a half hours staring at my computer screen, watching it refresh every 30 seconds waiting to buy Sox tickets. This was after I supposedly won the opportunity to buy green monster seats.

It's more like "you may already be a winner" in Publishers Clearing House. Even if you happen to win the opportunity to buy tickets, its still a long shot and a pretty frustrating process.

The first hour, I was in the Virtual Waiting Room, waiting to be randomly selected. After about an hour, I was selected, and got to pick a game. Here it gets even more annoying. Of course the Yankee games are all gone. I try to select other hot games: Like any September game against a division rival. Sometimes it looks like I have a shot. The game is available. I select two seats (that's the limit here-2 seats for 1 game at $110 each). I even get past the enter secret word screen. I think I've made it. Then I get the dreaded error page.

What do you do here? Keep hitting continue like it says, or does it really mean the game is sold out? I don't know. So I try selecting other games. Maybe earlier in the season games. Maybe midweek games would be easier. Maybe games against crappy teams. Maybe interleague (yuk) games. Maybe midweek, interleague games against crappy teams. Nothing works. Always sold out, or the error page, which really means sold out.

Finally after 2 hours I started going for standing room tickets. Even most of those were sold out. But finally I "lucked out." (if you call paying $64 for two standing room only tickets "lucky") But it's a Sunday afternoon game in May against the Orioles, and I'm a Sox fan, so I'll take it. It's a good deal. I've never been in the Monster seats before.

Even after you hit, you are still worried, though. You have 60 seconds to put in all your info. That's really tough. Especially when you get to country, and have to use a pull down menu to scroll through every country in the fucking world until you get to the U's. That killed at least 10 seconds.

Really, I'm lucky because my wife has connections to get good seats to a couple games a year, and I have a client who usually gets me tickets to at least one game. So this won't be my only opportunity. Really the only way people really get Sox tickets these days is to have some kind of connection, or to pay scalper or ticket agency (legal scalpers) rates. There really is no easy, legitimate way to buy tickets any more. I'm sure this sounds nuts if you are just about anywhere else in the country where your team plays to half empty stadiums, but this is what it's like to be a Red Sox fan.

You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie

2006-03-02T10:26:00.000-05:00

Turns out Bush may have been right about something for once. The video released yesterday of a briefing of President Bush by former FEMA Director Michael Brown immediately before Katrina hit, shows Brown fully engaged, fully aware of the potential catastrophe approaching, and hauntingly accurate as far as his predictions of what could happen. Maybe his training as International Arabian Horse Association commissioner did some good afterall. Certainly more than Bush's qualifications to be President (remind me again what those qualifications were?) Bush asked not a single question during the briefing, yet assured local authorities that the Government was fully prepared to handle the situation.

Then of course weeks later, Bush, along with Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff would deny that there was any way the scope of the disaster could have been anticipated, and would set Brownie up to be the scapegoat.

Sorry to get all "PC" on you, but...

2006-03-01T09:55:00.001-05:00

Not to be politically correct or anything, but it struck me last night watching Jack Williams tease and report the story of the murder of a co-ed in New York City, that it's a pretty outdated use of the word co-ed in 2006. He referred to Imette St. Guillen, the NYC college student who was murdered in Brooklyn, at least three times on the 11:00 news as the New York co-ed. Interestingly the station's web site doesn't use the term at all.

It's a pretty strange term isn't it? I guess the use of the word must go back to the days when women were first admitted to what were previously all-male colleges. But in a day and age, when there must be nearly as many women as men in college, it seems pretty odd and sexist (again, sorry for being PC) to refer to any female student with a term that pretty much says "you're not quite equal." What's wrong with just New York college student? Guess it just doesn't sound as tabloidy.

I'm really surprised the PC police aren't all in a tizzy over this.

February

2006-02-27T08:13:00.000-05:00

February has got to be the suckiest month of all, at least to those of us that live in cold climates. It's the one time of year that I seriously think of moving to Southern California. I hate it more every year. Why do people live in climates like this? It's insane. I say this, even after an awesome day of snowboarding on Saturday. I mean, you could live in California, and still be able to drive a few hours and go snowboarding. Then return home where its warm!

Even the holidays in February suck. Groundhog Day, Valentines Day, and President's Day. First one you celebrate a rodent, who ALWAYS sees his shadow. Second one is just to increase the profits of card, candy and flower companies. And the third is known best for cheap prices on cars.

Still to come, Ricky Martin

2006-02-26T22:28:00.000-05:00

OK, that's my cue to go to bed. I've been sitting here working on the computer with the Olympic closing ceremonies on. Not really paying much attention, just noting periodic cheesiness. A band of marching clowns playing YMCA. Some ridiculous looking ice fishing skecth. I missed the guy who ran on stage during some speech when I went to the bathroom. But hearing Still to come, Rickie Martin just before a commercial break, finally has made me turn it off & go to bed.

G'night.

TV Lawyers

2006-02-24T14:01:00.000-05:00

These personal injury lawyers that advertise on TV are the biggest slimeballs going. The best known locally is James Sokolove. You see his ads mainly during the noon news, or during daytime TV. Targeting all the soap opera watchers. If I ever needed a lawyer he'd be the last guy I'd call. Looks like a dick.

They are ambulance chasers. Whatever the hot buzz is in the media about bad medicine or dangerous products, they are on the case. Asbestos poisoning, Vioxx, securities fraud. Anything you want to sue somebody for, they're there to help, collect their 33%, and add to the country's litigation madness.

Here's a website urging lawyers to advertise on TV because "TV advertising reaches people with serious injuries IN BED at home or in the hospital where they don't have access to the Internet or Yellow Pages." Gee how "equal-access" of you. Just dial 1-800-HURT-911. Very clever.

And here's an even better one. This may be related to the above. A blog about lawyer advertising. This post warns about the costs of redoing your billboard or other advertising campaigns if one of your partners is suspended or disbarred and you have to change your firm's name. It suggests that if you think you may have been caught doing anything wrong, you might want to hold off on advertising for a while. The post ends with "The moral of this story is that when advertising, always be on your best behavior and make sure that everyone in the firm is." Then I guess if you weren't advertising, you could behave as badly as you wanted?

I don't have much use for lawyers period, but these guys are the scum of the earth.

Shit work I've done for cash

2006-02-23T09:09:00.000-05:00

As requested, another post about my day job.

I could fill a whole blog with crappy shit that I've been forced to do by clients or bosses during my life as a designer: having to use crappy photos for political or budget reasons; having some senior marketing dufus come up with a "brilliant" idea that he forces me to do, that is really the most idiotic thing I've ever heard in my life; clients who say they want something "edgy" but are terrified of doing anything they haven't seen before. On and on and on.

Every day, the life of a designer is filled with compromises. Usually I grumble a bit, argue why some other solution would be better, and then "do what the client wants," while trying to save the thing as much as possible from completely sucking. I can generally live with the results, even if most of the shit I do these days isn't award-winning. It pays the bills. As a former creative director used to say. "If 5% of the work you are doing is cool, then you are doing OK" Basically I feel that most of the cool work I've done is stuff I've managed to sneak by when somebody wasn't paying attention.

So looking back over the past year to find the worst example of shit I've done for money, there was one particularly horrifying job I worked on (for a client I would never work for again, so I could care less if they see this). It was during a slow period last fall that I agreed to be an interim art director for a couple weeks at a local business magazine.

INSIDE BASEBALL WARNING

Turns out it was one of these "all-advertorial" magazines. For those of you not in the business, "advertorials" are those little sections in the middle of "real" magazines that are really ads designed to look like a special editorial section of the magazine. They are totally bogus, but like stadium naming rights, are here to stay. Most legitimate magazines label them in very small type at the top "special advertising section"

But there is a particularly awful new breed of magazine where every article in it is bought, written by, approved by, art supplied for free by, or somehow else completely controlled by the company the story is about. To the average dope, they may look like a real magazine, but to anybody with a brain in their head, the real purpose is pretty obvious. In general these rags are horrible looking.

They are sort of the bastard stepchild of custom publishing, a slightly more legitimate branch of marketing where businesses will publish a marketing brochure disguised as a magazine. Starbucks had one for a while that was pretty cool looking. While those are still pretty dubious as far as having a legitimate editorial mission, at least they are professionally designed and produced for the most part.

So anyway, the above is a spread from the issue of this rag that I worked on. The red circles point out all the reasons why to someone who loves magazine design, this was such a stench-inducing job to work on.

1: Every feature in the entire 120 page magazine must follow this exact grid

2: Story is a 100% puff piece bought by the subject company, and either written by, edited by, or approved by the company it is about

3: Cheesy use of "vignettes" is required in all features

4: For some stupid reason there is a full line space after each paragraph, which looks ridiculous

5a: Every piece of art in the entire magazine is either supplied free by the client (aka, the subject of the story) or royalty free stock art. The art budget is $0. Note first use on the page of businessmen-shaking-hand partnership cliche photograph.

5b: Hard to make out, but there is a second businessmen-shaking-hand cliche in this cheeseball section icon, which is repeated 34 times in the issue.

6: Bio of the whore who wrote the story

Not labeled: Had to chase this client down for nearly three months to be paid

If you have made it this far, and still care about this subject, first, get a life, second, here's a link to another blog that talks about this particular magazine, and its ilk.

Come work for us (for nothing!)

2006-02-22T11:22:00.000-05:00

As a freelance graphic designer with a pretty steady client base, I fortunately don't have to rely on the help wanted ads on Craigslist, Guru, and other job posting sites. Thank god!! I well remember the days of being a starving artist.

My first real job was is the art department of a certain alternative weekly newspaper. Well, actually my first real job was making signs for a department store, but I don't like to talk about that one. I'm sure one of my regular readers will fill you in on the clown mask I used to put on when I got home from that job it made me so crazy. SickOE, please keep in mind this is a public forum.

But anyway I digress. The newspaper gig was a great job and a great relief from making signs for toaster-ovens, especially for the partying and perks that went along with it. But I made shit. I think I made $12,000 a year full time when I started. The basic philosophy of the place was "this is such a cool job, that they should be paying us to let them work here." And it certainly worked for them.

That attitude is alive and well on the job posting boards today. Why pay for a professional to design your logo, when you can find somebody to do it for $250 bucks. It's really a depressing commentary on what the perceived worth of graphic design (and other creative work) is, if the rates offered for our services on the boards are any indication. Here is a sampling of what people think creative work is worth in Boston today.

Magazine Seeking Artists and Writers Compensation: Selected articles will receive $20 for every submission.

Need Outdoor Location Photos: There is no $ budget at all for this job. What we can offer is visibility and credit/advertising on the well trafficked site

$100 to anyone who can paint/draw/photograph something cool.

Corporate Logo Needed: Compensation: Less than $250 (This appears to be the going rate for a corporate logo on Guru.com)

Drawings of famous philosophers needed (Nietzsche, Freud, etc.): Compensation: $30 per picture

I need a student or someone willing to work for free/trade to design a rock star flash site for my business: Compensation: Not sure yet, maybe some food? coffee? small stipend? a hug?

Seeking a design for our corporate logo, Timeline is one to two weeks, more if needed. We have already selected the colors, images and art for the logo (gee leaving a lot of creative to the "designer") Compensation: start at $160

Greg Brady is creepy

2006-02-18T19:11:00.000-05:00

For some reason I had on a 70's music infomercial on for a while tonight. In addition to learning that I could get a digitally remastered version of Billy Don't Be a Hero, I also realized that Barry Williams (aka Greg Brady) is the creepiest of former child stars. I guess I always thought this, but never had a blog to write it down before. Think about it. Danny Bonaduce and Leif Garrett may be more fucked up, but I don't think there is anyone else you has the creep factor of Barry Williams. Maybe KC, of KC & The Sunshine Band, but I think Barry has him beat by quite a bit. Maybe it adds to the creep factor thinking of him hitting on his TV mom Florence Henderson. Ahhhhhhgghhh!

Powerball Madness (again)

2006-02-18T16:40:00.000-05:00

It's another record jackpot in the Powerball, which no doubt means it will be the top story on the local news tonight. A little free advertising for government-sponsored gambling. More encouragement for the lowest in society to go spend their welfare checks on a 146 million-to-one shot of hitting the jackpot.

The story will be more important than 1800 people killed by a mud slide in the Philippines, more Americans dead in Iraq, or even the Entwistle murder case. And the damn Powerball isn't even sold in Massachusetts.

So here's how it stacks up on the local stations tonight:

At 6:00:

Channel 4: Not quite the lead, but they got to a full report by 6:05 before the first commercial break.

Channel 7: Didn't get to the Jumbo Jackpot story until 6:17, but they did have the Olympics to promote. They also teased it before every commercial break.

Channel 5: Took until after 6:20, surprisingly AFTER the mudslide story.

At 10:00 Channel 56 had the story of Powerball Fenzy by 10:06

Too much figure skating

2006-02-16T22:41:00.000-05:00

Every four years, I have the same gripe with the Olympics coverage. Just too much damn figure skating. I have zero interest. I just watched the final race of the snowboard cross, a new event this year, that was just awesome. But now it's back to more figure skating.

Enough already. Give me more snowboarding.

Who is this Michael Graham dufus?

2006-02-16T20:30:00.000-05:00

As a moderate liberal, I must confess that I often enjoyed listening to Jay Severin, and I really miss hearing him on WTKK. I know he's back on at 7:00, but I'm not listening to the radio at the hour. Jay was my guilty pleasure driving home from the office.

This guy Michael Graham they have on now is completely unlistenable. He sounds like a moron. Standard anti-liberal boilerplate. Like some dumb loud fratboy who knows nothing, but has an opinion on everything. His callers sound far from the "best and brightest" that Jay claimed his to be. Honestly I can't say more about his show than that, because, like Rita Cosby, I can barely stand to listen to his voice for two minutes. He was fired from his last gig, supposedly over some controversy, but more likely just because he sucked.

Jay, on the other hand, is immensely listenable. When I first heard him, and many other times while a listener, I was horrified by some of his ideas, and his crude descriptions of certain liberals: Ted Kennedy is a "fat socialist pig" or a "pantload." Illegal aliens are "crimaliens" The Clintons are described in whatever crude and ugly words pop into his head. Any time the Boston Globe or any other media outlet criticized him, he'd spend the whole show trashing them. Often, he'd be so over the top, I'd have to turn him off.

Yet, just as often, I'd learn something new, or think about an issue from the other side. And many times I'd find myself agreeing with him. And he was at least somewhat unpredictable. Unlike Graham or Sean Hannity, you weren't always 100% sure where he'd come down a particular issue. And he usually had an original argument for whatever the particular issue was. Sometimes it was a complete nut-job argument, but if nothing else it was entertaining radio.

Wish they'd put him back on at 5:00.